|Marriage Alive! Newsletter|
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God made them male and female for a reason. 1) To give and receive sexual pleasure in marriage. 2) To bear children for the Lord. 3) To compliment one another in marriage. 4) To show the example of Christ and the church—marriage is the living symbol of Christ and the church. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. He nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. (Ephesians 5: 28-29) And this is the way marriage should be.
Ask Angie: Your site has helped me to forgive my cheating husband and encouraged me that God can reconcile our marriage. Angie, I have a dilemma with my marriage. My husband and I met in Bible College, we fell in love, we got married, we were doing ministry together, had a baby and then everything fell apart. When our child was 4 months old, I found out my husband was cheating on me with women in the church, at work and in bars and clubs. He simply said he was not in love with me and our marriage was a mistake. He is backslidden and drinking, partying etc. . After months of this and counseling, I just couldn't take it anymore. I moved to Missouri to live with his family hoping that he would come to his senses and move here to be with us. I've been fasting and praying and I was finally able to forgive my husband. He came for our babies bday and I told him I forgive him and I just want to move forward with our marriage. Angie, he doesn't seem interested in that. He just wants to stay separated and live how he wants to and come visit me and his son in Missouri every other month for a weekend. He never wants to discuss our marriage and what we are going to do. I've done everything I can. I feel like my husband manipulates me and keeps me hanging on by a string. I have read all your material and I have prayed, but I am at the end of my rope and if he gives me the run around this time I think I am just going to file for a divorce. I don't know if I would actually go through with the divorce, but maybe filing it will help open my husbands eyes. Can you please give me some advice or at least pray for me? I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
Marriage Guidance: Too many couples in marriage believe that love is a feeling and when they don't "feel good" about being with their spouse anymore they think they married the wrong person, or are not in love anymore. but this is what people do when they date. Are you dating or are your married? Watch this video and then decide. If your spouse says they don't love you anymore, then send them this video--it may open their eyes.
We commend you on your willingness to forgive and work on your marriage, this is God's will for you. But if your husband is not willing to repent and seek forgiveness for himself then you must detach from his wayward lifestyle and choose a Godly lifestyle for you and the children. Forgiveness is the right thing to do but accepting his lifestyle or the sins he has created for himself makes you a slave to the sin with your husband.
Your husband has no commitment to his marriage. He has no idea what on earth marriage is for and what his purpose in the marriage is. Your husband is spiritually bankrupt and is the reason why he is showing all of this lustfulness and partying behavior. He needs healed. The truth is your husband may NEVER get healed--he may stay spiritually sick for the rest of his life.
You can get healing! You can take care of you and your children and receive Christ in your life. You can take your focus off of your husband and center it on Jesus Christ, your personal Savior. You can't make your husband change and be the man of God he supposed to be--you can't do that for him, he has to take care of his own healing through his own personal relationship with God through Christ. What you need to do is treat this lust addiction of your husbands like you would when dealing with an alcoholic. DETACH!
Believe me, your husband knows you want to work on restoring the marriage, but look, it is backfiring because your husband does not know God and what God can do for him. he is taking in all of your goodness and kindness and he STILL is sinning against you and the sanctity of the marriage. do you realize what this does to a person? It will drive you to do something that you may regret later.
We all NEED to forgive those who trespass against us and on an almost daily basis, but we certainly do not have to accept the sin or any sinful behavior stemming from the sinful lifestyle. We have to emotionally and spiritually move ourselves away from this kind of lifestyle, and sometimes that takes separating ourselves from it. Some people are able to detach from the unbelieving spouse better than others. Perhaps God believes you should learn "how to detach" from the unbeliever before he moves back in. Now is your chance to understand how detaching works. Just as the spouse of an alcoholic has to detach from the addiction so does the spouse have to detach from the unbelievers sinful behaviors--it is virtually the same thing.
You NEED to back off from worrying about what your husband is doing or not doing and take care of you and your spiritual well-being. This is God's will for you. Stop concerning yourself too much with the sinner because this only enables his behavior.
Will he stop, will he have another affair, should I beg him to come back home, should I throw scripture in his face...all of these things are concerning ourselves with the sinner and the sinful lifestyle. Give these questions and concerns to God. All you should concern yourself with now (after forgiving) is your relationship with Christ and your children. Be a good example of Christ working in your life.
If your husband is truly wanting to get help and be the man of God he is created to be then by all means, support him and be there for him, but I don't see your husband willing to do that, at this time. It looks like he wants to continue in his selfish pleasures and once in awhile go visist his wife and child. This is wrong and is what you need to separate (detach) yourself from. The only way you will be able to do this is by seeking God for your peace and contentment Your peace and contentment is more important than worrying over what your husband is doing or who he is with. He needs to deal with his own problems on his own--it is not your problem. Don't make your husband's sin control you and what you do with your life.
Scripture talks an awful lot about the kind of lifestyle your husband is leading--should your life be controlled by "what your husband does"? We don't think so...this is why you need to learn to emotionally detach from his sinful lifestyle, otherwise it is going to bring you down with him. The only way your husband is going to realize he needs God is when you stop trying to control what he does. Don't expect your husband to change because you are throwing God and scripture in his face--this only reinforces his lifestyle--he has to make the change for himself--he has to realize he needs inner healing. The worse thing you can do is have expectations of change because you may become greatly disappointed.
Divorce? Jesus talks about marriage being a lifetime. It was in "the days of Moses" that certificate of divorce was given, but not anymore. Jesus brought back the Permanency of Marriage. (Matthew 19:1-12) Marriage is for better or for worse. Yes, right now you are going through the worse, but if you truly seek Christ and ask Him to come into your life and protect and guide you in the way you are to go, He will!!
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Sadly, lack of faith is the biggest problem with people and their spiritual connection with Christ--they don't walk in faith! Without faith we walk on a path that leads to destruction, just like your husband and many other people are doing right now, but it takes faith to 'do the will of God and walk in His truths for our life!
Since your husband is not doing his job by taking responsibility for his role in the marriage and being the husband he should be that means you cannot be the helpmeet wife God created you to be. What does this mean? It means you now have more time to build a closer and more faithful relationship with God. By doing this you will be taking your eyes off of your husband for awhile and by doing this your husband will have to take responsibility for his own behavior--it's his problem and one that he needs to deal with. If he decides that he wants to work on the marriage then at that time, you can then begin to work on being the helpmeet wife that God wants you to be.
And remember, you're not single just because your unbelieving husband has decided to leave the home. You are still married and by working on your spiritual self and personal wellbeing it will not only help you and your relationship with Christ, but is the best chance for influencing your husband to seek Christ for his sinful lifestyle.
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21)
Ask Angie: Recently I have been reading a lot about dry drunks because I am certain that my husband is one. This is all new to me as I learn about this disease as it presents itself. I am currently separated from my husband (the second time in 4 months) and am at a loss about where my life is going. Do dry drunks ever get it? I am sure some do but I feel helpless with his situation and feel there is nothing else I can do to help him. What are the chances that a dry drunk will obtain total sobriety? Is there anything I can do to help him? Should I just cut my losses? I need help as a struggle with the disease of alcoholism and how it has effected mine and my children's lives. I have been to Al anon but refuse to live with a dry or wet drunk for the rest of my life. Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Marriage Guidance: A dry drunk displays the same signs and symptoms as an alcoholic, such as denial, anger, resentment, and spiritual and emotional immaturity. Actually, there are many dry drunks in the twelve step rooms. They have gone to alcoholics anonymous for years but still live an unmanageable life as they struggle through each day without a drink. A dry drunk is still not sober, at least not in the sense of being spiritual aware and mentally at peace with himself and others. He still craves alcohol in the social sense because alcohol to him was his best friend. Chances are high that a dry drunk will relapse over and over again because they are not healthy spiritually, emotionally or mentally. In essence they have a difficult time dealing with negative emotions and issues that affect their daily life.
Can a Dry Drunk Get Totally Sober?
The good news is the dry drunk condition can be totally eradicated from a person’s life, and they can be productive and happy people without ever having another sip of alcohol. I call this total sobriety. Total sobriety is getting to the root of the alcoholic’s problems first, and then tackling the drinking problem, which is only a symptom of something greater going on within the alcoholic. We often overlook the mental, emotional, and spiritual condition of an alcoholic, and instead focus only on the drinking. The drinking is secondary to the addiction.
What Can You Do?
Detach from the behaviors of the dry alcoholic just like you would the drinking alcoholic. Read and study our ebook How to Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse. You can email me (Angie) at anytime with your questions and or concerns. We are here to help.
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