Heaven Ministries
January 2010
Volume 9 Issue 67

Marriage Alive! Newsletter   

Marriage Articles

How a Christian Wife is to be a Helpmeet to Her Husband

Sexual Immorality


Helping the Alcoholic You Love to Total Sobriety


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How a Christian Wife is to be a Helpmeet to Her Husband

As Christians we are not only accountable to our spouse but to God first and foremost.  Christ should be the driving force in the Christ follower’s life. If this one important facet is written upon a woman’s heart, mind and soul, she will not have a problem with her obligations as a Christian wife.

And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an helpmeet for him. Genesis 2:18

Scripture shows a woman how to be a good helpmeet to her husband. Even when she doesn’t feel like being very helpful or loving she tries to do the best she can because she knows it is what God wants her to do. The reality is Christian woman have bad days too, but are blessed with God’s presence (Holy Spirit) within them for comfort. 

God created Eve for Adam’s companionship, helper, support and encouragement. It is not good that man should be alone. There are many ways that a wife can bring the assets of helper and that of companionship to her husband. A Christian wife “who fears the Lord” is an asset to her husband in many ways.

In what ways can a Christian wife be a good helpmeet to her husband? She is called to be a companion to her husband in all areas of the marriage, which include emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.

A Wife’s Emotional Support

Emotionally she encourages her husband to be the man of God that was meant for him to be. She is an asset to her husband when she supports him in his callings and endeavors in life and praises his continual efforts in the Lord. She should refrain from trying to control, browbeat or boss her husband around because that is not what God has called her to do.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11

A nagging wife is worse than a dripping faucet. If a wife cannot find anything uplifting to say to her husband or about her husband she shouldn’t say anything at all. A husband needs an emotionally supportive wife and vice versa, otherwise how is the oneness in marriage met?

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19

A Wife’s Spiritual Support

Spiritually a Christian wife connects with her Christian husband because they share in the same values and principles in life. And together they raise Godly children and have many fruits of the spirit within their marriage and family. Together they create abundance and prosperity for their lives and they realize and praise God because they know it all belongs to Him.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12

She submits to her husband’s spiritual leadership. A helpmeet does not argue and fuss with her husband; instead she works with Him. Most husbands will eagerly listen to the opinion of their wives when the wife does not demean him. Marriage is a partnership and a team effort that takes considerable compassion and compromise from both the husband and wife. Submission should always be voluntary, otherwise how would it be submission any other way?

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

Proverbs 31:23

A Wife’s Sexual Support

Sexually she is there for her husband when he wants to be close. Both husband and wife have emotional, spiritual and sexual needs that should be met only through each other. God created them male and female for this reason. Eve was made from Adams flesh and bones, which symbolically make them one flesh. When a husband and wife encourage one another in their roles and positions of marriage the sexual and emotional intimacy between them will be a healthy and productive part of the marriage.

The goal for marriage should be of maintaining the oneness that united them. Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is the kind of companionship that brings them closer together so they will not want outside of the marriage parameters. They should never reject one another unless of a woman’s menstruation or if either one of them is sick.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31:27

On another note, women who are loved in the Lord are more apt to be respectful and devoted wives. A woman who is truly loved will utilize all of her creative talents and God given abilities that she has been blessed with; her husband will never be in want or need of anything. 

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:31


Wisdom in God’s Commands

What are the commands of God? Besides the obvious Ten Commandments what other commands of God are important for us to live by? Many of God’s commands may seem burdensome because we do not understand how they apply in our lives or because we don’t understand their purpose for our lives. God’s commands are in place as teaching tools to correct us, instruct us and offer us wisdom and love. God did not leave us with His instruction to be difficult but because He loves us and wants for us to be with Him.

The Marriage Command

God commands that a husband love his wife. (Ephesians 5:25) What does that mean? How can a husband be made to love his wife? God’s perfect ideal for marriage is the picture of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church, which is an unconditional, sacrificial kind of love. In marriage a husband is instructed to make his wife of prime importance in his life, and be willing to sacrifice his own life, if need be, in the same way that Christ has sacrificed himself for the church. 

God commands that a wife submit to her husband. (Ephesians 5:22) What woman is going to find it difficult submitting her life to her husband if he is loving her in the way God has instructed him to? I don’t think any woman would find it difficult. At first glance at this scripture, without understanding the purpose, women may find submitting to their husband burdensome and difficult, but actually it is not that difficult if her husband is loving her properly, in the ways of the Lord.

God is the architect of marriage. These two commands formulate the design that God instituted for marriage and is what keeps the marriage running smoothly, happy and successful. It is easy to love when we understand the purpose for marriage and when love is seen as an action rather than something one must feel.

Love is an action not a feeling. Do not confuse love with feelings of lust or desire because it will always steer you away from doing what is right. Of course wives should also love their husbands and both husband and wife are called to submit to each other. (Ephesians 5:21) Do you have the wisdom to love your spouse in the way that God has instructed you to?

Command on Sexual Immorality

Sexual sin always hurts someone. God did not forbid adultery, fornication, and lust to be difficult. He knew that when a person succumbs to sexual temptations it takes them away from what is good and right. God wants to protect us from damaging ourselves with immoral sexual desires.  Sex outside of the marriage relationship always hurts someone.  It hurts God because it shows that we care more about our own lustful desires than Him.

Did you know that the things we allow into our heart and mind are acted out by us in our lives? That means if we are looking at lustful images, having premarital sex and thinking lustful thoughts we are essentially harming our emotional and spiritual lives and physical desire for our future spouse.

Lust hurts people emotionally and physically and destroys the virtue of the preparation for marriage. Many young people walk into marriage not in love but in lust because they have not been taught the difference between love and lust. This forms the bond of non-commitment upon their heart and destroys the permanency of marriage. 

Love is always sincere and would never cause pain and harm with you or with others. Lust hurts people, marriages, families, and God.  For the married person having feelings of lust and desire with someone other than who you are married to is considered mental adultery according to Jesus. (Matthew 5:27-28) Lust outside of marriage destroys the “oneness” of marriage that God planned for husband and wife.

When we love through principled actions of respect rather than lust and desire we are walking God’s wisdom filled truths and doing what makes our walk with God abundant, peaceful, hopeful, and full of blessings. Remember, love never hurts because it is not self-seeking but rather serving others. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)

Commands About Money

God commands us not to put our hope in money and material possessions. Why does God forbid us to put our hope and assurance with money and things? It takes a lot of work, and a lot of our time to be rich in this world. It is much more difficult to do the things of God when we are so busy trying to do all the things that lead to worldly riches.

The love of money keeps us from wanting to increase our spiritual treasures, which are the blessings and gifts from God. By distinguishing between our earthly and spiritual treasures it gives us an idea of where our priorities lie. What do you treasure now for your life? What values do you have over your material possessions? If someone said you had to give up all your material possessions before you could go to heaven, what would you do?

God knows we need things to live, but He also knows that many things we strive to have will take us away from serving Him wholly. Can you think of anything in your life that takes you away from serving God? Money can be deceiving because lots of times we think that it can buy our happiness when in retrospect it can actually create problems in our life.

When we die we can’t take our money and stuff with us. (1Timothy 6:7-10) But we can take our spiritual gifts that we have been blessed with to heaven with us. This is precisely why God wants us to put our hope in Him where we can gain real wealth and blessings. God is a compassionate and loving Father because He does not ask us to give up the material things that we have, he only asks us to make Him come first over what we do have! Do you have wisdom enough to not allow money to deceive you? (Luke 18:24-27)

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” Or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:31 NIV)

Command to Forgive

Forgiveness is one of the most important aspects of our Christian faith. True forgiveness is found through our faith in Jesus Christ. (John 20:23) How does it work? Once we have experienced forgiveness for ourselves we can tell others with conviction that their sins can be forgiven too if they repent of those sins. We first must experience forgiveness of our sins through Christ before we can encourage others to do the same.

Learning to forgive is a very important part of our walk with God. If we have an unforgiving heart it prevents us from becoming the loving individuals God wants us to be. It is very damaging to our spiritual and mental growth to hold in grudges and resentment, especially towards a loved one.  Christ asks us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13 NIV)

Forgiving others of the wrongs against us can be a very difficult thing to do, especially if we are struggling with pain and hurt. But forgiving others when they trespass against us is exactly what Jesus asks us to do. God lets us know that He will not forgive us of our sins if we do not forgive others of their sins against us. (Matthew 6:14-15)

When we refuse to forgive others we are essentially saying, “I’m better than you because I am white as snow.” Are you white as snow? The truth is we all sin, even Christian’s sin and are in need of God’s forgiveness from time to time. Put down the stones and try walking in the other person’s shoes for a change.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written" "It is mine to avenge' I will repay, says the Lord. On the contrary: "if your enemy is hungry, feed him' if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will be heap burning coals upon his head. Romans 12:19-21

By giving an enemy a drink, we are not excusing his misdeeds, but forgiving him and loving him despite of his sins.  Jesus Christ did this for us. This is called "detaching with love", or Jesus called it, "turning the other cheek." If you are having a hard time forgiving others, remember that Christ has forgiven you.

Is there someone you need to forgive? Ask God to help you forgive and free your heart and mind of pent up resentment and negative feelings that unforgiveness has been feeding your heart. Remember that forgiving others frees you to love others wholly.


Helping the Alcoholic You Love to Total Sobriety

To help the alcoholic you love you first must help yourself. You will never be able to help the alcoholic until you help yourself.  Alcohol addiction tends to involve everyone the alcoholic is in contact with on some kind of level. Those who are in the path of the alcoholic, usually a spouse, desperately need to know how to emotionally detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. In some cases the mental, emotionally and even physical abuse is so bad that couples must separate.

If the alcoholic begins to get mouthy—calling you names and putting you down, you must leave the room or the house. Remember, the alcoholic is sick and when they drink they are more apt to have emotional outbursts and flared tempers. Don’t allow this abuse to sit in your head where it festers and causes emotional problems for yourself.

Let it go in one ear and out the other, literally! You can do this when you understand that part of the sickness of alcoholism is the underlying emotional pain harbored within the alcoholic. Loved ones are usually a scapegoat and temporary outlet for the alcoholic to emotionally unload their demons on, so to speak. I know this first hand because I have been there and done that.

Remember, most of what comes out of the mouth of an alcoholic is the addiction talking. Never take what they say as the gospel truth. When the alcoholic drinks they think they know everything and they may try and get you to believe in the lies and manipulation they are forcing on you. This is how the loved one or enabler becomes sick with the alcoholic. They believe what the alcoholic tells them, at least for a while.

Alcoholics favorite quotes are:

“I am not an alcoholic”.

“I can stop drinking anytime.”

“I promise I will never drink again”

“You are the one with the problem, not me”.

“I only drink to unwind” 

“Oh no, I don’t have a drinking problem”. 

“I drink because you treat me bad”.

“I’ll stop drinking when you stop ____”. 

Even though none of the above is true the alcoholic may truly believe that what they tell you is true. In their mind, if they are in denial, they may actually believe they can quit just because they say so, but unfortunately addiction doesn’t work like that.

One thing that confuses the alcoholic is when you start taking care of yourself, such as reading the bible, praying for them, going to ALANON classes and taking up hobbies. When they see that you are getting emotionally and spiritually well and not letting what they do or say distress you, they will really be miffed.

Walking away or going into another room of the home when the alcoholic starts on a rampage will really annoy them. They expect and even want for you to fight and argue back, scream, yell, cry, or drink with them, not walk away. Don’t give them a reaction except for letting them know that you are not going to go down with them into the alcoholism trap.

By all means, let the alcoholic know that you moving on with your life without them. Let them see you becoming emotionally and spiritually well. Nine times out of ten this stirs the conscience within them to start taking responsibility for their problem. They have to want to get sober for themselves and not for you or anyone else.

If you are separated from the alcoholic now because of abuse it is best to make sure the alcoholic has been sober for a full year before they move back into the home. He or she needs to be sober for a while to get used to dealing with life on life’s terms. Much healing needs to happen for the alcoholic.

Hopefully after a year of sobriety the alcoholic is not just sober, but has healed emotionally, spiritually and physically from the triggers that made them crave the drink in the first place. Deep inner healing needs to take place within the alcoholic before the alcoholic can actually manage happily without drinking. This is called total sobriety.

Emotional and physical addiction is the areas you will want to look into before total sobriety can be achieved. Know the difference. There is sobriety and then there is total sobriety. Anyone can become sober but not everyone can achieve total sobriety and that’s because they still need inner healing, whatever that may be.

Many sober alcoholics continue to go to alcoholic’s anonymous years after sobriety. What for? Because it is a crutch they hang onto to keep them from drinking. Other crutches might be another addiction such as sex or food. This is not total sobriety but just a person barely getting by without a drink. That’s sad.  

God created us to be whole people with the ability to love others and be happy without being a slave to sin, which is what addiction is. We make ourselves become the people we are because of our past and future environments and events and people in our lives. How we manage these circumstances will produce in us the person we become.

If we handle our problems from our own understanding we will walk in err because our own understanding is almost always flawed. We need God in our lives!  God does not make alcoholics—we choose what our life is going to be. How we manage life’s problems and how we have managed past problems in our life creates a certain lifestyle for us. This lifestyle is made through our choices. 

Now this is important, listen well. Just as easily as we became alcoholic or slave to any addiction we can just as easily make ourselves become the child of God that He created us to be. But this is up to the alcoholic—they have to make that choice for themselves. All the people I have known that have truly gotten sober, never craved a drink and became productive happy people in society, God was always at the center of their sobriety.


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Take care and God Bless!

Angie and Frank

Heaven Ministries ~ Marriage Healing Ministry

Marriage God's Way!!



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