Heaven Ministries
September 2008
 Issue 57

Marriage Alive! Newsletter

Marriage Articles

How To Stop The Affair and Love Your Spouse

Teamwork of Marriage

Question From A Reader

My Husband Won't Forgive Me!


Adultery Pandemic
Healing From Adultery

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Adultery Pandemic opened my eyes to the answers that I so desperately needed. The author, Angie Lewis, gave me insight and encouragement to work on my marriage not only to save it but, to make it better than it was before. 
Quote by Dee

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Journey on the Roads Less Traveled

Because of its thoroughness, this book (Journey on the Roads Less Traveled) would make an excellent preparation for marriage, in conjunction with a specific church program, or in and of itself as a private preparation.

Quoted by Joyce Ann Edmondson
Author, The Listening Tree: Fifty Stories of Grace-full Everyday Living

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How To Stop The Affair and Love Your Spouse

I'm getting more and more emails from women whose husbands had an affair, are having an affair, or having another affair! Why do people have affairs in the first place? Well the obvious reasons are because the adulterer feels they are not getting their needs met at home, they want to enjoy the desire of the moment, and they just aren’t thinking about loving the person they married. Face it -they aren't committed to the person they married! Maybe they feel unloved or they feel they are not in love with their spouse anymore. Perhaps they feel rejected and need some extramarital attention. But that’s the problem!

Is your marriage based upon feelings or principles? If your marriage is based upon your feelings than you will keep having affairs no matter who you are married to just so you can "keep" your expectations of how you're supposed to feel. But if you base your marriage upon principle than work yourself out of your negative feelings and do the right thing – work on your marriage. Stop the affair and start loving your spouse again. You can do that.

You don’t really need someone to tell you HOW to stop an affair; you just do it! You actually choose to stop being selfish with your spouse and you humble yourself to them and let them know you are sorry for your indiscretions you have made in the marriage.   Selfish behavior stems from not knowing who we are as people – most selfish people are needy and wanting, and it seems that nothing and nobody can make them happy. They don’t understand that happiness comes from within the spiritual aspect of who they are and not the person they married.

The truth is, as soon as the selfish person gives up wanting to “control” and “get” from others, and give their life over to God, they at once realize they aren’t as needful and wanting anymore and don’t need to “get” praise and attention from others. Affairs are not all about sex – they are about getting attention and love from people. It all goes back to the “way we expect we should feel”.   

Is Love Supposed To Feel Like Dating?

Expectations begin in our childhood where we become conditioned into believing a certain way about how love is supposed to feel. We have been taught that love is supposed to feel a certain way and if it doesn’t always feel good it must mean that it is time to move on to a new partner. Society can thank the dating culture (multiple sexual partners) for this noncommittal attitude in marriage. Is love supposed to feel like dating? I think not.

Dating is a “dump them and leave them ritual” that prepares married people for “dumping” each other and marrying another  – its called “divorce”.  Because they believe that love is supposed to feel like a mixture of lust and euphoria they become easily disappointed with their marriage. It doesn’t take much to make a married person “think” they married the wrong person or to “believe” they are in love with someone else or to “think” they are unhappy in their marriage and dump their wife or husband. After all, that is what they have been doing since they were teenagers.  Christians are as much to blame for this debauched malady in marriage.

Having affairs are just a simple way to get “euphoric feelings” that are missing from our marriages back. Couples want to feel good at all times in their marriage. This is why people have affairs!  But most affairs only work temporarily and go against the values of a marriage designed by God. Instead of looking for ways to make ourselves feel good we should be working on ways to improve what we have already started and have been blessed with.  We can choose to love our spouse by doing those things that are loving and by being a loving person. How about that?  Will that work?

Talk To Your Spouse

Perhaps we can talk to our spouse about our needs. Perhaps we can actually try to respect and honor the person we married, no matter what they have done, and move on towards healing ourselves so we won’t "feel" like we need to stray from the marriage bed. Maybe we can let our spouse know that we're feeling rejected and unloved and need some encouragement. When was the last time you communicated YOUR FEELINGS with your spouse? What do you need? Talk to your spouse.

You can stop the affair and start loving your spouse by choosing to do so. We don't need to find strangers that will temporarily makes us feel good - we're married, so lets work on what we have already established. When we commence a relationship with our Creator, He gives us the wisdom to love the person we married in the proper ways. Yes, that’s right. It takes wisdom to love in the proper ways. That wisdom only comes from God. Be patient and pray about your temptations. Ask and you shall receive. 


Teamwork of Marriage

When you get married you become connected with another person in such a way that everything you do, constructive or destructive affects the other person, and everything they do, good or bad affects you. So then knowing this, we should know that when we abuse the marriage in any way it would affect the both of you. What is God’s purpose for you as a married person? I believe He wants His children to encourage and support one another through the difficult times as well as the good. 

What does that mean? Well, it means to cooperate with each other and be considerate of each other during times of tribulation and hardship. When was the last time you considered your wife’s feelings? When was the last time you compromised with your husband rather than getting your own way? Every time we “give of ourselves” to each other we are living out our purpose for marriage. 

Giving of ourselves is putting in the extra bit of effort that marriage needs. We should never push our spouse away from feeling secure and loved in the marriage, we should instead bring them closer to our heart by supporting them in their difficulties or wherever they need encouragement. 

If you come home from work anxiety ridden because you got fired, wouldn’t you want your significant other to be supportive and loving with you? Of course you would, so we should put in that extra needed encouragement and support wherever and whenever we are needed. 

An iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 NIV)

Working together as a team by serving one another would be a couple’s complete purpose for marriage. What are the wife’s gifts and abilities? Let her facilitate her husband, as it should be. What are the husband’s gifts and abilities? Let him help his wife, as it should be. 

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10 NIV)

If husband and wife do not work together, but rather go their own ways to only gratify and please the self, it causes discord and animosity between them, which can be difficult to rectify. There is no room for selfish ambition or self-seeking ways in marriage. Couples need each other in encouraging and loving ways, not in hostile and self-seeking ways – that is what destroys trust and intimacy in marriage. 

As Christ’s followers we are asked to be one in spirit and in purpose. But if husband is going his way, and wife is going her way, the spirit becomes divided and there is no purpose. Are we following Christ or something else? 

…Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:2-4 NIV)



My Husband Won't Forgive Me!


Marriage Question: 

My husband and I got together because we had an affair with each other. We decided to 'make it right' and married 15 years ago. Our entire marriage has been very hard - but we have been too busy and preoccupied with worldly things to pay attention. I had a 2 year affair which ended Dec 07. I wasn't in love -- just completely WRONG with my life and the Lord. My husband found out, and even confessed to an affair he hid from me 6 years ago. I have repented and repeatedly asked for his forgiveness. I am thankful God loves me enough to correct me! I have never felt so close to God and realize all I need is Him. My husband has not forgiven me and does not think he can. He says his feelings are gone for me and that he is not Jesus - he cannot forgive because he does not trust me. I have forgiven him, but he thinks his affair was far less intense than mine. Regardless, I want our marriage to work and I know God is teaching me the real meaning of LOVE. I just can't seem to get my husband to understand; he is angry, hurt and wants a divorce. Any suggestions when only one person wants to work on the marriage?

Marriage Encouragement:

First of all let me say this. It is not your job to get your husband to understand what the meaning of LOVE is. Your job is to forgive your husband and to love him by applying what wisdom you have learned about what REAL LOVE is to your actions and behavior with your husband. Then, your husband will know your good intentions and "SEE" with his own eyes what the true meaning of love is. Your actions will show him! I think it is wonderful you have found God for your life and I think that your marriage can be saved. With God in the forefront of our marriage we can heal ourselves from the affects of adultery and restore our marriage.
Your husbands feelings are not gone, he is only keeping them hidden and guarding himself because he does not want to get hurt again and that is why he is afraid of trusting you again. Trusting someone after they committed adultery is opening ourselves back up to being hurt again. All you can do is pray and be patient. Give your husband time and let him see through your actions that you can be trusted.
Eventually, your husband will NEED to forgive you, so he can heal himself and move on with loving you in the proper ways, but we can't make someone forgive us - that is something that happens through our relationship with Christ. We must first repent and ask for Christ's forgiveness of our own sins before we can forgive someone else. Is this something your husband has done or is willing to do. We have to repent and turn our lives around to heal ourselves from adultery - there is no other way. Apparently you have figured that out already and now desperately want your husband to get his life figured out as well. We have to know in our heart that it is God that fills us up with happiness and contentment and not something outside of our marriage. We need God!
This is where you come in. Continue growing in faith and love in Christ - keep working on your relationship with the Lord - Just work on healing yourself and forgiving yourself. Try and not blame, accuse, or tell your husband what he needs to do, or tell him how to "be" as a Christian. This will only push him further away from God. Let him come to Jesus Christ in the way he finds is best for him - on his own terms. You can also pray for your husband to come to the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. That's the first step towards healing oneself. Right now the best thing you can do is work on your part in the marriage, being the wife God wants you to be regardless of what your husband is or is not doing. 

"The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere". (James 3:17)


E-Book Resource:

ADULTERY PANDEMIC: A treasure book filled with effective guidance for your marriage from forgiveness and trust to recommitting your lives to each other again. Practical and easy-to-read, this book combines the solutions and remedies your marriage needs towards recovery from adultery.  http://www.heavenministries.com/Ebooks.htm




I hope you enjoyed the Heaven Ministries Newsletter! 

Take care and God Bless!

As always, your Comments and questions are welcome.   

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