Heaven Ministries

Marriage Alive Newsletter               
Issue # 3        October/November 2002


Compatibility Guidelines

Sex or Love
Do Opposites Attract
Do I know Myself?


Go to Heaven Ministries Web































































































































































Pre-Marriage Preparedness. 
For women

Do you notice the faults of your future husband and are you willing to accept those faults after you are married?  

Do you think that you can change him to meet your expectations? 

Don't rush into marriage expecting your husband to change or that you can change him. This isn't going to happen. 

Think of it like this, what you see now is what you get later on. Of course he will grow and change as the marriage grows, but so will you. 

Many things can happen during marriage. Your Knight might fall off his horse and be unable to get back up. If your Knight continues to err in the relationship, what will you do? 

Are you prepared to give more of yourself-in all areas of the marriage if your Knight continues to fall? 

What if you fall? 

Know what your position will be in the marriage. Will you go to college, work, or stay home? 

Does your future husband agree with your choices? 

know what you want for yourself.  Have you both agreed on what position each will take in the responsibilities of marriage? 

Do not get married thinking that you have found your knight in shinning armor. There is always another knight out there some where that you are more compatible with. 

My Grandma used to tell me, "There is lots of fish in the sea."

Don't leave home and rush into marriage because you're having problems with your parents. Try to work things out at home. 

I know it is very hard to stay at home with parents who seem to be restricting your activities and social life. It is only because they love you and don't want anything to happen to you in the big wicked world.

One day, you too will be a parent and then you will understand. 

But until that time, be mature enough to hang in there-getting married because you are having problems at home will not cure your emotional problems or help your future marriage either.  

Know what you want for yourself before marriage.

Knowing before hand what you need and want will save you from stressful warfare within the marriage later on.

Speak up now about any known issues you have had with your future spouse or forever hold your peace. 

Know in your heart that you are prepared emotionally and mentally to withstand the tensions and upheavals of marriage. 

Realize the man you marry will be your husband for life. If you can't see this as a future realism of the "whole Picture" then you are not ready for marriage. 

Most men, want to be treated like a man. It is in their instincts to protect and defend their wife and family. 

Value this great responsibility in your husband and respect this position from him. 

Give him the freedom to be the man of the house, as it should be. 

If you are unsure if you can give your man the manly respect he needs in your marriage, then I would reconsider the marriage.  submission article

Here are three pre-marriage issues that you might overlook before getting married:  

  • Ask your future husband more questions about himself. 
  • Don't ignore the Warning signs of potential problems later on. 
  • Put Commitment first before anything else.


  Do Opposites Attract

Do opposites really attract? I believe there is some truth to this saying, but I also believe that people of like-mind attract each other just the same. A secure marriage takes more than being an "opposite type" or of being of "like-mind" though.  The people in the marriage need to grow and work together, not apart if it is to sustain itself. 

Opposites will attract and can have a happy marriage as long as they can actually "give" of themselves through the acceptance of their differences.  

I think opposites attract because of the unpredictability of the other, it keeps the marriage on "alert." But a happy marriage needs the people in it to be secure and happy with themselves to be able to give of themselves instead of to be in need of the other. 

Compatibility questions?

If your future husband is an avid hunter and you are involved in the conservation of animals, will you be compatible?  I think not. But I believe that if you "give" of yourself through supporting your partner's hunting habits instead of trying to change him then the marriage can work. But he in turn must support you in your animal conservation efforts as well. This doesn't mean you need to physically involve yourself, but support each other through acceptance. 

What if your future wife wants four children and you don't want children, how compatible is that? Not very compatible. This is a major issue and I would advice not getting married. 

What if your future husband wants you to stay home, raise children and bake bread, but you want to have a career and not have any children, is that compatible? No it is not, and again, this can become a major problem in the home if it isn't cleared up before marriage. Some men just don't want their wives to work and so should be looking for a wife with more traditional values.  



Freedom To Be You 

I believe that two people can be totally different in thinking and believing on many major issues and the marriage still survive. It all boils down to the people in it. If they have discussed their differences through the acceptance of each other, they have essentially given each the freedom to be who they are. Because of this the marriage is happy, alive and FREE.   

This issue of differences only becomes a problem when self righteous behavior, and or  insecurity issues develop and stops the marriage and people in it from further growth. 

A major issue in marriage today is when one partner ceases to grow while the other partner continues to grow, spiritually, mentally and socially. 

What happens when one partner stops growing in the marriage is the lack of compatibility.  The partners stop sharing and giving and the love diminishes.  

In essence, this calamity is losing touch with each other. Marriage can not sustain itself without the natural qualities being acted upon from the people within the marriage.

When one partner is growth stunted, they can become needy and clingy of the other. They can not give of themselves because they don't know how. They are still enmeshed with past hurts and their highly emotional child-like qualities cease to grow with the marriage. They are essentially  living for the past, instead of for the future. Alcoholism and addiction will typically do the same thing to the marriage. This puts tremendous strain on the partner who is secure and confident in themselves and their position. 

If you aren't growing with your partner in the progression of the marriage, your partner may tell you that they don't know you anymore. Your character traits and personality change as you begin to experience and discover new things. Maybe you don't see eye to eye on everything like you once did and you begin to move in separate ways- living for your own life, instead of moving towards the same goals and rewards. What you once shared together as a team has dissolved. Dissention and resentment develop and you become unhappy. This is what I call falling and not picking yourself back up, as I mentioned earlier.  

This might sound pessimistic to you, but it is not. This is REALITY. Reality is being able to envision the "whole picture" of marriage and all that comes with it. Marriage takes work and so you must be willing to work it.

Compatibility Guidelines

Guideline # 1  
Know what you are striving for in your marriage. What will your responsibilities be. Who will you be in the marriage? Talk your answers over with your future partner. Set boundaries for yourself-be in control of who you are. 

It is true, marriage is a union of two that establish a system of one, but you are both still individuals with different needs and wants. If you don't know what your position will be then you're not ready to get married and you certainly won't get any support from your partner when times get tough when you don't understand yourself. If you don't know what you want how will they? 

This is why I stress how important it is to understand yourself and know what it is that you want for yourself. 

Agree on the roles and responsibilities that you will share in the marriage. Get to know what it is your future spouse would like to achieve as far as goals.  

Guideline # 2  Know what your partner wants for himself/herself and apply this to what you want. Will you be supportive of your mates choices? 
Will you be accepting of your differences? Even if you now agree on many major issues, people do change through growth and you need to be prepared for that change and either evolve and or accept.  


Above all, if you do not know God now, please seek out His wisdom and guidance in all that you do.

God's design for marriage is meant to be honored by both in the marriage. By using the foundations set forth in the bible you will have a happy and content filled marriage. 

It is important to do things to show your love to your husband, and those things may mean to give up something that you want. But that is ok. Learn to be unselfish and you will see that God will bring it back to you ten fold. 

Commitment is very important in marriage!! The promise you made with your husband on the day of your marriage is meant to be kept holy and sacred and never to be broken. 

This is what commitment is all about!

Honor, respect, and love your husband. Submit to your husbands spiritual counsel and you will see the benefits flowing back to you from within. 

Please read article on submission. 


Pre-Marriage Preparedness.
For men

A happy marriage is like two flowers that continually germinate and develop stronger roots as the years progress. 

An unhappy marriage is like two flowers who once were, but they ceased to germinate and the roots withered away.  

Are you ready to germinate with the Princess of your dreams for the rest of your life? 

Marriage is about growing with your spouse. Both of you must grow, learn and discover at the same tempo and then share together what you have learned and discovered. 

Know who you are and what you want for yourself and marriage? What position will you be taking in the marriage? Are you the take-charge type who likes to make all the major decisions? If so let your future wife know this in advance.

Marriage needs love to sustain it's being. Women need and want love in different ways then a man. 

Are you ready to support your future wife's emotional needs? 

When she wants to be held, touched and coddled, will you do that? 

Are you going to be there for her and really listen when she needs a shoulder to cry on. 

Your future wife will want her concerns validated more than receive advice from you. 

Do you know who the future woman is that you are marrying? 

Have you spent considerable time together and have found that you are compatible on the spiritual, social and mental level?  

Do you share in the same activities? 

Have you made provisions to financially protect your marriage and or family incase something happens to you or your career/job?

What issues, if any have crept up between you and your future wife that might triple-fold after the wedding? Speak up now about any issues that have led to problems in the pre-marriage, or forever hold your peace. 

Be respectful and considerate at all times. Don't let your anger get the best of you, don't let the emotions of anger control your being.  If you find this hard to do-walk away until you can maintain considerate composure.  

Give of yourself instead of holding back. Let her know who you are and what you want. Your wife will yearn to have all of you-not just a part of you. 

Women are often categorized or labeled as naggers and complainers and this may be true, but one reason for this attack is that women call for more emotionally than a man, such as validation to complete themselves. 

A woman is more likely to look up to her husband and family for completeness of herself,  while a man looks up to his peers, father, workplace, etc. 

This is the difference of male and female and of course the traditional way of how the sexes are brought up. 

I believe a great pre-marriage assignment would be the thorough study of the differences of the opposite sex.  It is what we don't understand that we can't fix or work on. 

Any marriage in any condition can be repaired if the people in it understand each other.

            Do I know Myself?

As you attempt to answer these questions about yourself, know that there is no right or wrong in your answers. 

If answered truthfully, your answer is right-because it is who you are. After you have answered them, share them with your future mate. Your answers are the essence of your being and what you believe yourself to be. 

Who Am I? 

Where Am I Going?

What do I believe in?

What do I value for my life and marriage?

Sex or Love

Men attain their peaceful feeling in marriage through the gratification of sex. Of course there is a bit more to it than that. It is through sex that men release the tensions of the day and repair emotional feelings of ill will within the marriage. It might be true that some men will pick a fight with their wife just for the gratification of making up afterwards. 

Sexual intimacy brings love into the heart of a man. Women enjoy sex too, but it is not where they find love. For women it is more of an emotional need to feel loved by their man and to know that they are loved. The act of sex then becomes love and that's where the saying "making love" comes in. A woman will put all of her being into the act of love-making. A woman doesn't just want to have sex, she wants to "make love." She not only wants to hear love, but wants to see love with her eyes and be loved.  

A man likes all this too, but it's not as important as the sexual act itself. And this is okay when one realizes this to be true of all heterosexual males, not just "your husband."   

Unfortunately many women feel unloved and invalidated because of this abruptness in the marriage bedroom. 

This means for the husband to take a little bit more time to show you care through your feelings and to make more of an effort to let your wife know she is loved by you. 


Am I Really In Love?

I don't believe in love at first sight-there is no such thing. The desire you feel for someone shows itself in the form of lust. Lust is sexual, while love involves being sexual at times, but is not the "whole picture."

Lust can progress into love or it can't.  The feeling one gets when being "in lust" mimics love, but doesn't share the same qualities and behaviors as love does. 

If you are fairly new in your relationship and don't really know your partner, the novelty of lust gives off the feeling in the brain and body of love, but is probably only lust. 

Lust can last for several years before it disintegrates, so be careful in your desire of wills. Unfortunately if you marry real young and not yet sure of yourself, lust, looks, acts, and feels just like love. 

Being "in lust" for someone and being "in love" are two different things. Lust can survive without sharing, giving and compassion, love can not. Lust is a selfish desire, while love is a giving desire. If your partner has sex to fulfill only their desire, they are in lust of the moment, not love. 

Lust doesn't see the whole picture of marriage with seriousness, but rather sees only what it wants to see. Lust can easily give off the impression of love for sometime, but soon lust disintegrates into a dead end marriage or relationship. Many incompatible marriages survive only on lust, but are unbearably unhappy.  

Love on the other hand is a growth process that two people share through giving and receiving. One does not instantly fall "in love" like you read in Harlequin Romance books or what you watch on TV.  

It may be that the image you see of the knight or knightess in shining armor, will become the wicked witch of OZ later on. 

Time and growth with each other brings about the development of being "in love."  To be in love with someone you must share the same things and utilize the natural qualities that you both might possess. Such as sharing, caring, compassion and giving of  your self. All of these traits require action to accomplish. 

When you act upon your compassion or act upon your giving, you are essentially being loving. 

When this course of action between two people is balanced then the process of loving comes in to realism and you can say that you are "in love" with someone. One must give of themselves to know what love is. 

What I mean when I use the word "give" is not giving monetarily or materialistically, but giving of oneself  through acceptance and tolerance. Marriages that do not give of themselves in this fashion have a hard time relating to each other and that is when they grow apart. 

Depending on the condition of the marriage and the people in it, love can take years to accomplish. Giving of oneself is the hardest for most people to accomplish in the marriage. It's easy to buy your wife a bunch of flowers, box of candy and take her out to dinner, but it's hard to accept her for the way she is. 

Both of these take action to accomplish one takes money and the other takes love. 

Real love, which is unconditional can sometimes never show up in  marriage because of the circumstances of the partners. 

Some people can't love because they don't love themselves. They don't really know how to give of themselves to another person. If they are "inside of themselves," they can't give of themselves, therefore can't love either. 


Pre-Marriage Questions

1. Why do I want to get married? Is love enough to keep my marriage together? Do I even know what love is?

 2. Who am I in this marriage? What position will I take in this marriage? 

3. Do I agree with the role and position of my wife to-be? 

4. Am I willing to handle the bad times as well as the good in my marriage?  

5. Am I sure I love this person or am I in temporary lust?

6. Am I, (we) financially ready to get married? 

7. What qualities do I see in myself to assist positively in my marriage.

8. Am I prepared to raise a family? 

9. Will I allow my partner the freedom to be themselves-to think and feel on their own, without trespassing on their being? Do I accept my partner for who they are? 

10. If you can't accept a portion of your future wife before marriage, will you after you have been married for 3 or 4 years? 

11. Have I set boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate by my future wife?

Commitment is very important in marriage!! The promise you made with your husband on the day of your marriage is meant to be kept holy and sacred and never to be broken. 

This is what commitment is all about!