Heaven Ministries
Oct/Nov 04
Volume 2 issue 15

Heaven Ministries Newsletter

Ten Reasons To Stay Married

Biblical Studies

Faith In God

Faith When We Pray


Why You Shouldn't Break It Off

10 Reasons To Stay Married

8 More Biblical Reason's To Stay Married



"Why You Shouldn't Break It Off"
10 Reasons To Stay Married

     I recently was sent a marriage newsletter called Should You Break It Off that was written for couples in diagnosing their marriage woes. The counselor who wrote the newsletter supposedly is helping couples diagnose problems in the marriage. After I looked it over, I told my friend who sent it to me that I thought it was an advertisement for divorce. Since when do marriage counselors try and find reasons why couples should divorce? And especially over the trite reasons written on this particular newsletter?  Below is just a short part of the newsletter from the counselor who probably charges couples a good amount of money for his or her services.
     Below this newsletter is my own short synopsis called "Why you shouldn't break it off".

"Should you break it off?"
Newsletter from a marriage counselor

1. You no longer feel that you are in a relationship ... it's been this way for a long  time.  My response to this is:
2. You often mull over in your head how to communicate yet you still don't. 
    My response to this is: 

3. You no longer look forward to spending time alone together, sex can still be good, but you'd rather spend your time with other people. My response:
4. You constantly criticize or micromanage your partner.  My response:
5. You compare your partner to others and your partner never measures up. My response:
6. You try to change your partner ... it doesn't work ... you need to accept this or move on. My response to this is:
7. You don't laugh anymore and it is impossible to have a light hearted conversation. My response to this is:
8. You are doing all the giving. My response:
9. You no longer feel good about yourself. My response is:

Book Resources 

Love The Man You Married 

Love The Woman You Married


Here is Heaven Ministries comments about the above marital issues

When couples are going thought difficult times in their marriage and they read through these common marital issues that are based upon feelings rather than commitment, they think and or begin to feel that they have all or most of the symptoms listed above. Pretty soon they are using these trite and petty reasons to end their marriage. 

The problem here is not that most marriages, at one time or another, do have the issues such as those listed above, but that couples are not taught why they have them and how to deal with them or rid then from their marriage from a morally based foundation. They are told that if they have these problems they can get a divorce. Consequently, what do couples do? They begin to believe that since they have the above issues in their marriage that their marriage is doomed for failure and so end up getting a divorce.

Lets go through each one listed above. I'll try and be as brief and to the point as I possibly can in explaining why we may have these particular problems in our own marriage, and what we can do to eradicate them all together. 

                       Why You Shouldn't Break It Off


#1. The reason why most couples feel like they are not in a relationship is because they aren't. Couples do not have the connection and bond with each other like they used to. The culture today makes homemakers feel deprived and worthless. Consequently more and more woman are selfishly establishing careers, leaving the husband to tend for himself and leaving other important household duties and responsibilities unattended. 

Outside opportunities and trivial desires keep couples from growing together in the marriage. For example, a wife might have her own career, friends and agenda, which keeps the husband from wanting to get close to her, consequently he has his buddies and sports games that he attends to, leaving his wife with her own agenda. Neither spouse needs each other except for getting on each others back because the lack of organization around the home. 

It is a natural instinct for a "real man" to want to be in charge of the home and family, and to protect, love and care for his wife. But now-a-days many woman feel they do not need this from a man, and rebel against it. This is very sad indeed for it is pushing away the design that God intentionally planned for marriage.

#2 the reason that couples do not communicate is because they don't know how. When they communicate they accuse, blame and finger point instead of talking. If we become angry and hostile it will close the listener down and the issue will never get resolved. 

So where does the issue go if it doesn't get resolved? It gets stored away in the mental capacities until a later date when it can be used to justify the next argument. The problem here is that when problems in marriage don't get resolved couples can get very resentful towards one another, which escalates into more arguments. Pretty soon, because of this, and not knowing how to communicate properly, couples eventually learn to avoid issues they think would cause emotional outbursts. They feel it is better to just keep things the way they are instead of confronting each other, which invariably causes more frustration, resentment, animosity and pain anyway. 

There is many ways around this problem, one is to learn how to express your self appropriately without accusing or blaming. Accusing only makes your spouse become defensive.. Writing letters is always a good way of expression if you do not want to confront your spouse. And of course, allowing God's wisdom and love into the marriage works wonders. 

#3  This dilemma ties into dilemma #1. Growing apart spiritually and mentally, and spending more time away from home with friends disconnects you from the  relationship. Trusting in God for your foundational support in the marriage would be a great idea here. But no one wants to do that, instead they complain to their spouse, nag about their spouses faults, have affairs and ruin their marriage.  

Work on it! Make the marriage important to you. Put God first in the marriage and your spouse will become second where they belong. God's design for marriage is wisdom that is watertight and dependable, yet most of us do not get our wisdom from God, but from a different source. 

#4 The reason why we criticize our spouse is because we blame them for the the disarray of the marriage. We see all their faults, feel all their faults, and live all their faults. We live in our spouses faults. We are connected to the faults of our spouse, but disconnected to the relationship of marriage. Because our feelings have literally controlled the way we view the marriage and the way we feel about our spouse, we think all there is left to do is break up. 
This issue ties into issue #1 and 3. What are we going to do about it? Keep living in a marriage that we feel is not repairable or are we going to see that we have faults and start criticizing our self for a change? Who are we to blame our spouse on all the marriage woes when we all know good and well it takes two to tango?! God knows what your problems are, but you are not asking for His guidance. Instead you are relying upon your feelings and the outside beliefs of this immoral culture to tell you that your marriage is beyond repair. God can't help unless you open the door to Him--He is knocking. Open the door! 

#5 Comparing is wrong. When we compare we are essentially telling someone that they aren't good enough--don't measure up. But this is a fallacy of wrong thinking taking over our judgment. Everyone is different and as long as we compare two people that are different, and expect them to be the same it will never happen. Don't compare your spouse to other people. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That means we are all beautiful in our own way, even if we are homely on the outside. I don't know what else to say about comparing, this is a really stupid question that the counselor put into her marriage newsletter. onto question #6, quickly. 

#6 We try and change our partner because we're perfect remember?  We think it's all our spouses fault and that is why we criticize him/her." For some reason, we think that if we can change our spouse everything will be okay. But the fact is, it won't. New faults and bad habits will crop up and we are back to square one. 

This complaint ties into all of the above in that, we certainly know that we cannot change our partner, so why try? Let's start looking at our self for a change! We should be asking God to change us! What can we do about changing our self? 

Take this reality check: Have your spouse write down your faults and bad habits. Read them, study them and change yourself! We need to realize that we too have faults. Try not criticize your spouse for one week about anything, see if there is a change, and then let me know. 

#7 Couples don't laugh anymore because of all of the above. God's foundation can bring the love, joy and laughter we all need back into any relationship if we put forth the effort to try! Put your faith and trust in God instead of in the world. 

#8 No one person in the marriage does all the giving. It only seems like that. We have a problem with tallying every good deed we do for the marriage and each other and then expect the same in return. It's like Santa Clause checking his list to see who is naughty or nice. Those who were nice he'll give presents to, but if you were naughty forget about any presents. Kids all over the world are growing up understanding all about how to give conditional love (fakey love), and when they get married they can treat their own spouse conditionally like Santa did to them. 

An example of how adults love conditionally is, "No honey, I'm not going to give you sex tonight, you were mean to me all day yesterday." 

This issue is all about not knowing how to love properly. We love selfishly because we do not have the knowledge from God in our marriage to accept the fact that God loved us so much that Jesus Christ suffered and died for us so we could learn to love in the way we are supposed to love. Couples in marriage today love with conditions and bargains on the table like Santa once did to them, it is all they know!  Naughty or nice!

To give is to love, and to love is to give. Giving can only come from a heart and mind that is free of selfish precedents and self-ego based love. This involves not just surrendering your sinful and selfish way of life over to God, but also allowing Jesus Christ into your heart and mind for emotional, and spiritual support. Without God's support, we are essentially using our self-based foundation that does not understand how to give or love properly.  

#9 We do not feel good about our self, because we do not know our self. We have not let go of self to be open and honest with who we are. God frees us from the weakness of sin. If we are living in sin, then we are not loving our self. Bitter and resent filled hearts cannot love, it is impossible. If we are living in our negative feelings, we will not know the fulfillment of knowing what "real love" is. Surrendering our guilt, resentment, angry feelings, and sin to God will free us from behaving selfishly and rebelliously toward God, our spouse and marriage. After we give up "the old way of life" and become a "new person in Christ" is when we learn to love our selves and others freely without negative feelings tearing at our flesh.
   This issue sums up, and is the root to all of the above issues. The basis of it is believing in self enough to trust in God with all our heart, mind and soul so we can be free to learn to love properly!  

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2



Below is my newsletter on Why You Shouldn't Break It Off


Why You Shouldn't Break It Off
10 Reasons To Stay Married

1. You no longer feel that you are in a relationship ... it's been this way for a long  time.
You should stay married because your relationship is sacred and specially made for just the two of you.  And if you feel like you are not married or not in a relationship anymore is all the more reason to put forth more effort into becoming re-connected as a couple. Find out more

2. You often mull over in your head how to communicate yet you still don't. 
Marriage thrives on understanding one another, therefore communicating feelings and thoughts with each other is essential. What happens when we don't communicate is we lose touch with each other, and become bored and not very enthusiastic about doing things together. If you have difficulty expressing yourself, then the marriage is missing out on so much. You should stay married so you can re-learn, re-connect and re-bond with each other like when you were first married. You will find that the same love you had for each other in the beginning is still there. read more

3. You no longer look forward to spending time alone together, sex can still be good, but you'd rather spend your time with other people. 
Marriage needs attention. It's true, woman usually give the marriage the most attention, but if you feel like you would rather be with other people other than your spouse, then you have grown apart and the marriage desperately needs your attention. This is why you should stay married so you can spend more time together and get reacquainted like when you first married. read more

4. You constantly criticize your partner.
If we often criticize and nag our spouse it is because we are expecting too much from them, and when something doesn't get done at the designated time, and in the exact way that we would do it, we criticize and complain. We're essentially pushing ourselves onto our partner to make everything okay. We're too busy and don't have time to deal with the children, chores, cooking, career. But what we really need to do is back off for a change and let our spouse be who they are. All the more reason to stay married so we can learn to accept our spouse for the way they are and stop trying to change things that we can't. 

God certainly does not like that we condemn and disrespect who we married, and so the first action here would be to look at our self and see what it is that we can do to change the situation so there will be less negative behavior toward our spouse. Usually we become critical and naggy of our spouse when there is something we ourselves feel is missing or lacking in our life, but we cannot expect our spouse to fill up every lacking area in our life. 

But I know who can fill up the missing and lacking areas in your life and so do you. Answer the door and let Him in. read more

5. You compare your partner to others and your partner never measures up.  read more

6.  You try to change your partner ... it doesn't work ... you need to accept this or move on. 
Trying to change our spouse is like trying to drive in quick sand. The best thing is to stay married while learning to communicate effectively, while learning to love unconditionally, while honoring and loving each other the way God intended. Stop being so critical, mean and bitter.  read more

7. You don't laugh anymore and it is impossible to have a light hearted conversation.   Read more

8. You are doing all the giving
Yes! Giving is a great action that stems from love. This is one of the great things about being married is that we can make our spouse happy by giving of ourselves in many different and loving ways! All the more reason to stay married so we can learn to give of our self without feeling resentful or placing conditions on our giving. read more

9. You no longer feel good about yourself. 
Actually this issue has nothing at all to do with being married or who we are married to. This has something to do with our mental and spiritual well-being as a person--how we feel about our self is something deeper then who we are married to or our surroundings. 

Self worth and self esteem make up a part of who we are, at that particular time in our life. I say " that particular time in our life" because people change, circumstances change. Not feeling good about our self  takes a spiritual rejuvenation into the framework of why we may feel bad about our self. Several factors, including the lack of the spiritual Christ in our life can cause us to live in our own little world, frustrated, alone and empty even when we are carrying on a hectic and varied lifestyle. This issue needs to be analyzed from the core element of finding self before an exact answer can be met. Each individual circumstance is different and so I cannot go into the details of  this issue, without actually having a case study to go on. 

We would like to blame "the way we are" and "the way we feel" on outside circumstances, but there is a deeper and broader scope of needing to understand the person we are for our self before we can "feel good about who we are" read more

None of the above issues that permeate all marriages at one time or another is an excuse or justification for separating or getting a divorce over. It's hogwash! As a matter of fact all the above if you work at it appropriately with God at the center of it, these issues will only bring you closer together in the relationship. 

Start working at your marriage today! Heaven Ministries is here to devote its time in assisting those who need spiritual counseling, marriage advice, and a bit of hope and encouragement. 

Read comments from other readers of the Heaven Ministries newsletter.


8 More Biblical Reasons To Stay Married

1. Marriage is God's design Genesis 2 18-24
God's created work was not made complete until he made woman. He could have made her out of the dust of the ground as he made man, but he chose to make her from the man's flesh and bones. Throughout the bible God treats this special relationship of marriage seriously. The goal and purpose for marriage is more than friendship; it is oneness.

2. Commitment was made to love and honor one another 
Genesis 24:58-60
Marriage was not just for convenience sake, nor was it brought about by any culture. It was instituted by God and has three basic aspects. (1) the man leaves his parents and, in a public act, promises himself to his wife, (2) the man and woman are joined together by taking responsibility for each others welfare, and by loving the mate above all others, (3)the two become one flesh in the intimacy and commitment of the sexual union that is reserved for marriage. Strong marriages include all three of these aspects.

4. Marriage is permanent  Matthew 19:6  "So they are no longer two, but one. 
Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 
Jesus focused on marriage rather than divorce. He pointed out that God intended to be permanent and gave four reasons for the importance of marriage. (1)God made them male and female, (2) leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, (3) the two will become one flesh, (4) what is joined together let man not separate.  God designed marriage to be indissoluble. Instead of looking for reasons to break it off, we should be trying to find reasons to stay married!

6. Only death should dissolve marriage Romans 7:2,3 "For example, by law a woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then if she married another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress."  

7.  Marriage is good and honorable Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." 

8.. Romance is important and marriage keeps us from being tempted 
Song of Songs 4:9,10 


Biblical Studies on Faith

Faith is reliance, loyalty and complete trust in God
Faithfulness is firm in adherence, it is loyal, and worthy of trust and devotion

So that brings me to the question of where are we putting our faith? What or whom do we trust in when troubles arise in our lives? Scriptures says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  (Hebrews 11:1)
This verse is clearly pointing out that faith is being certain in what we do not see with our eyes. 

Two words describe faith.

Sure and certain. These two qualities need a secure beginning and ending point. The beginning point of faith is being sure in our belief in God--He is who He says. The end point is "believing in" and being certain without a doubt in God's promises for us. He will do what He says. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises to us, even though we do not see those promises materialize yet, we have true faith in what we cannot see. 

Are we certain that God is who He says? Are we sure that God will keep His promises to us? God says that without faith in Him it will be impossible to please Him.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."
(Hebrews 11:6) God will not settle for mere acknowledgement of His existence. Acknowledging is not the same as faith. We cannot say we believe in God and then not do what He says. That is only acknowledgment. It is simply recognizing that He exists and that is all. 

Where is the faith? God wants us to earnestly seek Him for truth and develop a personal relationship with Him that will transform our life from mere acknowledgement to certain. If we do not have a personal relationship with God we are lacking in His wisdom and in His understanding to apply the conviction of faith into our lives.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:5-6)
Wisdom means practical discernment and begins with respect for God, leads to right living, and results in the increased ability to tell right from wrong. God is willing to give us this wisdom, but we will be unable to receive it if our goals are self-centered rather than God-centered. 

To "believe and not doubt" means to not only believe in the existence of God, but also believe and trust in His loving care for us. A mind that wavers is not completely convinced that God's way is the best way. If your faith is new, weak, or struggling, remember that you can trust God. To stabilize your doubtful mind commit yourself wholeheartedly to God. Rely on God to show you what is best for you. Ask for wisdom, and trust that He will give it to you. Then your decisions will be sure and solid. 

My understanding is that having faith in God is being certain of Him and what God says! If we are certain that God will be there for us when we ask, then having faith is a part of who we are--our conviction and belief in Him when we pray is a way of life in that we are sure, without a doubt that God listens to our prayers and hopefully those prayers will get answered. But let's look at this a bit closer.

Faith When We Pray

"Have faith in God," Jesus Answered. "I tell you the truth. If anyone says to this mountain, "Go throw yourself into the sea," and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:22-25)

It is not impossible for God to move a mountain into the sea, but He is not going to do it. So Jesus used that parable to make the point that God can do anything. God will answer your prayers, but not as a result of your positive mental attitude but out of your faith and belief in God. When we pray, and according to the scripture above there are other conditions that need to be met.  (1) we must believe, (2) we must not hold a grudge against anyone, (3) we must not pray with selfish motives, (4) our request must be good for God's Kingdom. And so to pray effectively we need faith in God, not faith in the object of our request. If we pray selfishly and focus only on what we want, our prayer will not get answered.

From scripture above (Mark 11:24) we now know that Jesus Christ is our example to follow when we pray. Jesus said, "Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Meaning I don't want this cup--I don't want to die, but if it is your will Father that I die, then let it be so.

Jesus expressed his true feelings to God but He did not rebel against God's will. By reading Jesus' prayer above we can see the terrible suffering and agony He had to endure, which was even more magnified because Jesus had to take on the sins of the whole world. While praying Jesus understood the horrible suffering that He was going to endure, but still He prayed "not what I will, but what you will". That is how we are to pray. 

Often our prayers are unanswered because they are motivated by our own interests and desires. We like to hear that we can have anything and everything, but the truth is Jesus prayed with God's interest in mind, not His own, and that is how we are to pray. When we do pray it is okay to express how we feel and what our desires are but we should want to do God's will instead of our own. 

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