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Articles
Dear
Readers
Effective
Communication
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Dear
Readers:
Sorry about this issue being so short, but I will make it up
to you in the next newsletter when I come back from my
vacation. Until Next Time! Take care and God Bless!
And don't forget, I am taking submissions on
anything related to marriage,
pre-marriage
and relationships. I also publish quotes and essay's that
relate to family life.
Submit@heavenministries.com
It would be wonderful to come back from vacation with my
email full of stories written by my readers!!!!!!!
Effective
Communication
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How
to be a good listener and understand what the other
person is trying to say.
Communication is a
useful tool, in speech and in writing, for conveying
information to others in everyday transactions. This
newsletter is a form of communication because I am
trying to explain something. I am trying to explain
about the importance of communicating thoughts and
feelings.
People who can listen well usually
will speak what they mean. They explain things in
such a way that the other person understands exactly
what it is they are trying to convey. Good
communicators aren't usually weighed down with pent
up emotional baggage and they know how to relay
their feelings when hurt to make themselves
understood.
Direct
negative feelings towards yourself
There is nothing wrong with having
feelings of anger and it's okay to communicate them,
but to do it in a way that is going to actually
assist both parties in getting the issue resolved.
Accusing and finger pointing won't get your emotions
and thoughts out properly. To correctly express your
feelings whether they be negative or pleasurable is
to direct your feelings at yourself, instead of at
your partner.
Do say,
"I feel so angry that you spent our
vacation money. We both worked hard at saving
those funds."
Don't say,
"You stupid idiot, what is wrong with you,
can't you even save some money for our
vacation?"
Do
say, "I Feel hurt that you
don't want me to go with you to the ball game, but
maybe I can go next time." smile and walk
off.
Don't say,
"You are pathetic. Why don't you want
me with you anymore?" Why do you continually
try and hurt me?"
Do say,
"I feel like you don't love me anymore
since you had the affair."
Don't say, "You
don't love me anymore, since you had the
affair."
(How would you know they don't love you anymore, did
they tell you that?)
If your partner has not told you how
they feel, then how would you know how they feel?
This can become a big problem in relationships. What
happens is this: we actually think we can feel for
our partner and then we communicate their feelings
for them when we really don't have the foggiest idea
how they are feeling.
When we get angry with our partner
because we feel hurt or are filled with past
resentment we become irrational with our feelings
and direct them improperly toward our partner by
finger pointing, accusing and nagging. This
type of interaction isn't expressing our concerns,
but rather behaving in an accusatory fashion, which
never works to bring resolve to the issue at hand.
Accusing each other can only bring more heartache to
the relationship and is really more of a "one
man show." Your partner when attacked with your
accusations will run and hide or put up his defenses
and attack back and nothing will get accomplished.
What we need here is results from why we are feeling
angry. This is something you must first know for
yourself so you than can express your feelings to
your partner properly.
Anger
Is Okay!
You can still be angry and
frustrated with your partner and carry the same
feelings you have by directing them onto yourself,
instead of on your partner. In this way, your
partner will have to respond in likewise manner,
instead of fading you out or getting angry back at
you.
You can resolve the issues through proper
communication. It just involves one of you to put
the pride away and to release emotions properly, no
matter how angry you feel.
Expressing thoughts and feelings can
be hard to do. Especially when you really aren't
sure what those thoughts and feelings are. We should
strive to know what it is we want ourselves before
saying something that could invariably bring on
distorted thinking and hearing.
A good rule of thumb here is: If
You're not sure what you're after, don't say
anything at all.
Next
>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Accept
your partner for who they are
Unfortunately, for some of us,
we don't want to accept what our partner is telling us and
this is where difficulties can arise in marriage.
Intolerance of another's views and ideas stems from self
righteous thinking and isn't right. Too many times, we think
we're right and our partner is wrong. But everyone needs the
freedom to be oneself -think for oneself and to form opinions
without criticism.
You certainly don't have to
agree on everything your partner says or does, but you
shouldn't be disagreeable about it either. In other words,
accept your partners differences and allow them the freedom to
express themselves without degrading their thoughts and
feelings. By denouncing and invalidating the ideas and words
of our partner we are telling them that we do not accept
"who they are".
People who Complain, nag and disagree when the
conversation gets negative usually have a difficult time
listening to what the other person has to say. They appear to
be listening, but are really just thinking about what they are
going to say next. They may get very defensive and
attack back just because they disagree with you.
The reason for this is a good deal of
past hurts that they have never gotten out of their system.
They are in so much pain and feeling so resentful
that they are afraid of taking in anymore hurt. They are a
walking, talking time bomb ready to explode at the slightest
note.
Really try and
listen to what the other person is trying to say
Anyone can become a skilled
communicator and effectively interact with others. Try harder
to listen to what the other person is trying to say. And if
you're at all confused at what you are hearing, ask more
questions. asking questions displays intelligence and
shows that you are really listening and are interested in the
other person. People appreciate your questions, it makes
them feel you are interested in them and what they are saying.
You're not acting dim-witted
because you don't know something and need to ask more
questions. You're behaving dim-witted when you think you
already know someone and take that person's way of thinking
and feelings under your own understanding and dissect it into
what you want and think it to be. Mass distortion and
communication breakdown will result with this kind of
thinking.
When you interact with your
partner through faulty communication, it could be detrimental
to the partnership and cause your partner to feel like you
don't love or care about them. Or they just don't understand
what it is that you want from them. When you act out
your aggression in a bad way your partner really doesn't
understand what you are trying to convey to them, whether it
be a complaint or harbored resentment.
Get to the point
When dealing with problems within the marriage,
I think a few of us women tend to over react and go on and on
and not really get to the point of what's bothering us.
Sometimes we might veer totally away from what we really want
to say and start talking about something else. I think we do
this for two reasons:
1. Because we woman have a lot on our
mind, we are the ones that deal with the little details in the
marriage
and so we usually have two or three things going at once. We
are the everything manager of things.
and..............
2. Because we like harmony and are afraid to
expose the issue for what it really is, hoping our husbands
will understand what we're trying to get at. hehehehehe
LOL
Unfortunately for us woman effective communication doesn't
work like this and only causes a continual miscommunication
problem.
Most husbands, if they're anything like mine,
would just like it if you could just get to the point instead
of tarrying along into something else that isn't pertinent to
the conversation.
Men on the other hand when expressing
themselves have a tendency to shorten things too much and be
sort of vague and actually believe that their wives can read
their mind! How absurd! This is so far from the truth and
unrealistic. Men can talk to other men in this manner, but
women need much more from their counterparts then a few
"okays" and muffled grunts.
"Men, if you are
talking to your wives about something, it helps to put a
little bit more detail into what it is you're trying to say
because here is what might happen.
Okay husband's, lets say you
wrote your wife a note asking her if she could drop the hand
truck off at Bill's house. Yet, you and your wife know three
Bill's and she isn't sure which Bill to give the hand truck
to. Just because you know what Bill you're talking about
doesn't mean your wife does. She calls you at work and you're
in a meeting all day and can't come to the phone. Your wife
doesn't know which bill to give the hand truck to. She feels
upset now because she thinks she let you down. And of course,
you promised to loan the hand truck to Bill. You broke your
promise to Bill because you didn't convey proper communication
in your note to your wife as to which Bill you were referring
to. This happens in everyday oral expression as well.
Skilled
expression between two people means that we shouldn't
"beat around the bush," but speak our thoughts and
convey what we are feeling. Otherwise feelings will not be
understood in their entirety and something important that is
meant to be said a certain way will not be understood
properly, which can cause confusion and problems between
people.
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