Resentment Control Your Marriage?
Do you ever wonder why you don't seem to get the respect
you deserve? Do you just want to be loved for who you are? Why
can't we just be loved without any conditions placed upon that
Unconditional love is what we receive from God our Creator.
He loves us ALWAYS, even when we make mistakes. God forgives
us every time we error. Is this asking too much of our partner
to love us no matter what? Do we love our partner
unconditionally all the time like God loves us?
One of the reasons I think we marry someone totally
opposite of ourselves is opposites really do attract! We marry
a person so different in personality from our own because of
the excitement it brings during the dating process. While in
the throngs of courtship, we accept the differences and even
enjoy the friendly debates that are sometimes warranted.
Opposites who are accepting of each other can formulate
some of the best marriages. But, those who are closed minded
and opinionated being married to an opposite can cause havoc
if the individuals are not mature and ready to prepare
themselves for the differences that opposites can elicit
during the marriage.
As the marriage progresses some of us might see those very
same differences stifling the beauty of the marriage. We
become intolerant of our partner and actually stop accepting
those differences that at one time were perfectly okay to
have. We might even become so impatient and edgy with our mate
that we continually try and change them. Many times too,
through the growth process of each partner these differences
can manifest themselves double fold with the growing
personality of the individual.
when we stop accepting our mate?
When you stop accepting who your mate is, that
is when you begin to resent the marriage and become unhappy,
probably blaming that unhappiness on your partner. You begin
to place conditions on the love you give in the marriage. Your
whole being is filled with intense reactions to the
differences you see in your partner. Unfortunately, this is
such a slow growing process that many couples do not realize
what is happening. They believe they have no love left to give
their partner, since they have nothing in common anymore.
Because of this, they believe if only their partner would
change everything will get better and they will be happy
If you have been married for a while, go ahead
and look back at some of the "giving moments" when
you bestowed love to your partner. Think hard now! Nine times
out of ten, you probably wanted something in return. Usually
this something in return is for your mate to change. Granted,
not everyone expects something in return, but a lot of couples
in marriage do. They waist their time and energy trying to
change their partner so they themselves can be happy.
So is this what "give and take" in a
relationship is all about? I don't think so. The "give
and take" process is a natural occurrence, almost like an
instinct to do good to those who do good to you. "I'll
rub your back if you rub mine." Conditional love is
based on selfish thinking and usually comes from the partner
who is holding in resentment. "I'll love you, only if you
will stop going out with your friends., etc."
Many marriages consist of who can change who
first. More time and energy is spent on trying to make our
partner into something other than who they are that nothing
else rarely gets accomplished in the marriage. When we
think the differences are too much to bear and we find that we
can not accept our partner anymore and we can't change them,
the marriage ends in divorce. How unfortunate.
Your marriage does not have to end this way.
Differences can be remedied, but you really can't change your
partner, at least not without them feeling VERY resentful over
it. This is why I stress to allow your partner the freedom to
just BE. Accept your partner!
Love is created by a person and
not just is. Love takes action to accomplish. The value
of the love we give our partner is based on how we are feeling
at any given moment and time. If we feel resentment or
bitterness towards those we love, we'll inevitably love with
resentment and bitterness which is one way we place conditions
on our love.
"What is generated from
our heart comes out in our actions".
Loving someone in the real
sense of the word is actually allowing them to be who it is
they are. When we love without placing conditions is when we
are actually accepting who it is we are loving. Without
acceptance in a marriage there will almost always be
unhappiness within in. Try and accept those things in your
marriage that you know that you can not change.
Having an accepting nature is
actually having a loving nature. When you accept your partner
for who they are, it will lead you to have a giving
nature as well. Acceptance Is LOVE.
Acceptance + Giving = Love
Resentment Control Your Marriage?
Resentment is a troublesome
emotion people carry around because of past
unresolved issues. Resentment can be brought into a
marriage or it can be created from within the marriage, either
way it can destroy the marriage if it continues.
Those who are burdened with
resentment carry on their shoulders other feelings that tag
along with resentment, such as hate, bitterness, hostility and
mistrust, just to name a few.
We have all had an encounter
with resent filled people, maybe at the grocery store, on the
highways, in the waiting room and probably even at work.
Resent filled individuals are often bitter and angry at the
world and sometimes take that bitterness out on strangers.
We have all been angry with our
partner only to resent them later. The reason for resentment
is not talking about the problem when it happens. The more we
keep our troubles bottled up inside the worse we feel and the
more resentment we feel.
Eventually, most people will
forgive their partner by talking about the issue and
explaining their feelings. When you do this you relieve the
negative feelings and judgments about your partner you may
have been carrying around on your shoulders and in your heart.
Other people have never learned to let resentment go. Maybe
they have been trained when young to bottle up their feelings
and not talk about them. Some children have been taught to be
seen and never heard and now as adults are afraid to speak up
for themselves. This is wrong thinking
and leads to terrible resentment.
You must talk over your
feelings and issues with your partner when they happen, for
your partner absolutely needs to understand who it is you are
and what you want for your marriage together. Your partner
NEEDS to know what your boundaries are so they can try and
please you. Staying silent and holding anger in is not going
to give your partner any understanding of what you want, it
will only confuse them.
It is true, you can not change
your partner, but you can help your partner to better
understand you so they can be considerate of your needs.
What Keeps Us
Not talking about your feelings
with your partner will keep you feeling resentful. It is the
inability to communicate feelings and thoughts appropriately
that makes for negative feelings. If issues are not discussed,
resentment ensues and you might fuel your own anger with even
more anger towards your partner. This confuses the partner who
is taking all this abuse. Remember that resentment is caused
by unresolved past issues and your partner may wonder why you
are now bringing up issues that happened six months earlier.
For them it was over with when you silenced yourself, but for
the resentment holder it's just starting.
The problem with this
overbearing emotion of resentment is that it will control your
whole being. It will control how you act and what you say.
When a person feels hateful and bitter inside, they can not be
true to themselves or anyone else for that matter.
If you are feeling resentful
because of something your partner did or said to you, often
times just communicating your feelings appropriately works
like the act of forgiveness. Only when we talk about our
feelings to our partner can they understand us better.
To let resentment loose from
your subconscious is to learn to forgive. If you find it hard
to humble yourself and forgive your partner, I bet you are
carrying around a lot of resentment on your shoulders.
Try not to base the love that
you do give to your partner on how you are feeling. This is
not always fair to your partner, especially if you are holding
in your feelings. Feelings change from day to day, so we
should try and be consistent with ourselves so our partner
will know what to expect. If we are always feeling resentful,
it is because we haven't talked about it with our partner.
This is not fair to them.
Sometimes when you observe your mate do
things that are not of your own nature, you might think
something is amiss with them and so you might try and change
that which you see as different than you. This happens out of
non acceptance. You might think to yourself, "I wouldn't
do that or I would not have said that. What is wrong with
Actually nothing at all is wrong with your
partner, they just aren't like you! Accept it and get on with
your life. Don't stall your marriage over petty differences.
Try and understand where your partner is coming from by
putting yourself in his/her shoes. If you want happiness and
peace to come back into your marriage and heart, you need to
accept your mate for who they are and deal with the
differences appropriately. Try and accept those things
in your marriage that you know that you can not change. Once
you do this, you will feel more at peace with yourself and