January 03     Issue #5
Heaven Ministries 


Marriage Alive  (Love IS Acceptance)

Unconditional Love

Does Resentment Control Your Marriage?










Unconditional Love

Do you ever wonder why you don't seem to get the respect you deserve? Do you just want to be loved for who you are? Why can't we just be loved without any conditions placed upon that love?

Unconditional love is what we receive from God our Creator. He loves us ALWAYS, even when we make mistakes. God forgives us every time we error. Is this asking too much of our partner to love us no matter what? Do we love our partner unconditionally all the time like God loves us?

One of the reasons I think we marry someone totally opposite of ourselves is opposites really do attract! We marry a person so different in personality from our own because of the excitement it brings during the dating process. While in the throngs of courtship, we accept the differences and even enjoy the friendly debates that are sometimes warranted.

Opposites who are accepting of each other can formulate some of the best marriages. But, those who are closed minded and opinionated being married to an opposite can cause havoc if the individuals are not mature and ready to prepare themselves for the differences that opposites can elicit during the marriage.

As the marriage progresses some of us might see those very same differences stifling the beauty of the marriage. We become intolerant of our partner and actually stop accepting those differences that at one time were perfectly okay to have. We might even become so impatient and edgy with our mate that we continually try and change them. Many times too, through the growth process of each partner these differences can manifest themselves double fold with the growing personality of the individual.

What happens when we stop accepting our mate?

When you stop accepting who your mate is, that is when you begin to resent the marriage and become unhappy, probably blaming that unhappiness on your partner. You begin to place conditions on the love you give in the marriage. Your whole being is filled with intense reactions to the differences you see in your partner. Unfortunately, this is such a slow growing process that many couples do not realize what is happening. They believe they have no love left to give their partner, since they have nothing in common anymore. Because of this, they believe if only their partner would change everything will get better and they will be happy again.

If you have been married for a while, go ahead and look back at some of the "giving moments" when you bestowed love to your partner. Think hard now! Nine times out of ten, you probably wanted something in return. Usually this something in return is for your mate to change. Granted, not everyone expects something in return, but a lot of couples in marriage do. They waist their time and energy trying to change their partner so they themselves can be happy.

So is this what "give and take" in a relationship is all about? I don't think so. The "give and take" process is a natural occurrence, almost like an instinct to do good to those who do good to you. "I'll rub your back if you rub mine."  Conditional love is based on selfish thinking and usually comes from the partner who is holding in resentment. "I'll love you, only if you will stop going out with your friends., etc."

Many marriages consist of who can change who first. More time and energy is spent on trying to make our partner into something other than who they are that nothing else rarely gets accomplished in the marriage.  When we think the differences are too much to bear and we find that we can not accept our partner anymore and we can't change them, the marriage ends in divorce. How unfortunate.

Your marriage does not have to end this way. Differences can be remedied, but you really can't change your partner, at least not without them feeling VERY resentful over it. This is why I stress to allow your partner the freedom to just BE. Accept your partner!

Love is created by a person and not just is. Love takes action to accomplish. The value of the love we give our partner is based on how we are feeling at any given moment and time. If we feel resentment or bitterness towards those we love, we'll inevitably love with resentment and bitterness which is one way we place conditions on our love.

"What is generated from our heart comes out in our actions".

Loving someone in the real sense of the word is actually allowing them to be who it is they are. When we love without placing conditions is when we are actually accepting who it is we are loving. Without acceptance in a marriage there will almost always be unhappiness within in. Try and accept those things in your marriage that you know that you can not change.

Having an accepting nature is actually having a loving nature. When you accept your partner for who they are,  it will lead you to have a giving nature as well.  Acceptance Is LOVE.
Acceptance + Giving = Love


Does Resentment Control Your Marriage?

Resentment is a troublesome emotion people carry around because of  past unresolved issues.  Resentment can be brought into a marriage or it can be created from within the marriage, either way it can destroy the marriage if it continues.

Those who are burdened with resentment carry on their shoulders other feelings that tag along with resentment, such as hate, bitterness, hostility and mistrust, just to name a few.

We have all had an encounter with resent filled people, maybe at the grocery store, on the highways, in the waiting room and probably even at work. Resent filled individuals are often bitter and angry at the world and sometimes take that bitterness out on strangers.

We have all been angry with our partner only to resent them later. The reason for resentment is not talking about the problem when it happens. The more we keep our troubles bottled up inside the worse we feel and the more resentment we feel.

Eventually, most people will forgive their partner by talking about the issue and explaining their feelings. When you do this you relieve the negative feelings and judgments about your partner you may have been carrying around on your shoulders and in your heart. Other people have never learned to let resentment go. Maybe they have been trained when young to bottle up their feelings and not talk about them. Some children have been taught to be seen and never heard and now as adults are afraid to speak up for themselves. This is wrong thinking and leads to terrible resentment.

You must talk over your feelings and issues with your partner when they happen, for your partner absolutely needs to understand who it is you are and what you want for your marriage together. Your partner NEEDS to know what your boundaries are so they can try and please you. Staying silent and holding anger in is not going to give your partner any understanding of what you want, it will only confuse them.

It is true, you can not change your partner, but you can help your partner to better understand you so they can be considerate of your needs.

What Keeps Us Feeling Resentful?

Not talking about your feelings with your partner will keep you feeling resentful. It is the inability to communicate feelings and thoughts appropriately that makes for negative feelings. If issues are not discussed, resentment ensues and you might fuel your own anger with even more anger towards your partner. This confuses the partner who is taking all this abuse. Remember that resentment is caused by unresolved past issues and your partner may wonder why you are now bringing up issues that happened six months earlier. For them it was over with when you silenced yourself, but for the resentment holder it's just starting.

The problem with this overbearing emotion of resentment is that it will control your whole being. It will control how you act and what you say. When a person feels hateful and bitter inside, they can not be true to themselves or anyone else for that matter.

If you are feeling resentful because of something your partner did or said to you, often times just communicating your feelings appropriately works like the act of forgiveness. Only when we talk about our feelings to our partner can they understand us better.

To let resentment loose from your subconscious is to learn to forgive. If you find it hard to humble yourself and forgive your partner, I bet you are carrying around a lot of resentment on your shoulders. 

Try not to base the love that you do give to your partner on how you are feeling. This is not always fair to your partner, especially if you are holding in your feelings.  Feelings change from day to day, so we should try and be consistent with ourselves so our partner will know what to expect. If we are always feeling resentful, it is because we haven't talked about it with our partner. This is not fair to them.

Sometimes when you observe your mate do things that are not of your own nature, you might think something is amiss with them and so you might try and change that which you see as different than you. This happens out of non acceptance. You might think to yourself, "I wouldn't do that or I would not have said that. What is wrong with him/her?"

Actually nothing at all is wrong with your partner, they just aren't like you! Accept it and get on with your life. Don't stall your marriage over petty differences. Try and understand where your partner is coming from by putting yourself in his/her shoes. If you want happiness and peace to come back into your marriage and heart, you need to accept your mate for who they are and deal with the differences appropriately.  Try and accept those things in your marriage that you know that you can not change. Once you do this, you will feel more at peace with yourself and partner.