You’re Not In Love If…

You’re not in love if you expect something in return. If you expect something in return for your love, such as flirting, praise, gifts, or sex then you’re really trying to produce a certain euphoric feeling within you that you think love is supposed to feel like. Love is not supposed to be a feeling, but rather an action.

Love is not self-seeking

You’re not in love if your love does not produce tangible actions. Your love should produce positive, productive action from you. We can all talk a good talk, but when it comes to our walk, many of us fall. What can we do differently to make sure that our talk coincides with our walk?

If your wife comes home tired and cranky and needs you to tend to the children and cooking, what are you going to do? How will you demonstrate your love?  Will you complain that you’re tired too and that your wife should just cook whether she is tired or not? Or are you going to give a part of yourself – labor and time, to tend to the household duties?

Love is patient, love is kind

You’re not in love if you are relying on a feeling to tell you so. What are your actions telling you? Are you serving in acts of kindness through forgiveness and compassion? Or are you relying on a feeling to tell you that you are in love? Feelings of lust and desire can mimic love and make us think we are in love. But what happens after these supposed love feelings wane off? Can love just come and go like that? No, love is not a feeling that can come and go like the tide – it is an action and loves comes through with the way we act and behave towards others.

It always protects

You’re not in love with someone you committed adultery with. This is a no brainer, really. If you allow your lustful desires to control how you feel about someone than you are a very confused person. Many people confuse sex with love because they are afraid to love or don’t know how to love. It’s time to let go of the unhealthy sexual attitude and be free to love without disrespecting others sexually.

Is love something you get or something you give? It is both. When someone loves you they will give a part of themselves to you through an action – through a behavior. Maybe they have forgiven you for committing adultery. Or perhaps they have sacrificed their time and hobby for the sake of your spouse.  Or maybe they have given up on having a baby because you don’t want children. These are all tangible actions demonstrating what love is.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud

When you give love to someone it is in the same way. Is flirting with someone you are not married to, love? Is having sex with someone you are not married to, love? Is giving and receiving praise, love? Is looking at porn, love? Is desiring someone you are not married to, love? No, no, no, no, and no. Then what is all of these things? Do you know?

So if you think you are in love with someone other than who you are married to, it is only euphoric feelings overriding true principles of what true love is, and those feelings certainly will not last. Have you ever thought about “why” the person you are having an affair with would have a relationship with a married person in the first place? Only those people who do not understand what real love is or how to love others properly would have an affair with a married person.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth

You are in love if you share a part of yourself through a tangible action. Love is learned. We are not born with it. If you were brought up in a home that demonstrated unconditional love, you will understand how to give unconditionally. But if you were brought up in a home where everyone kept score and they loved with conditions, you will love others in that same way.

The good news is you can teach yourself how to love by going back to the principles of what real love is. Write them down and magnet them to the refrigerator. Teach them to your spouse and to your children. The world can be more loving towards one another if we understand what the principles of love are.

And now I will show you the most excellent way. (1 Corinthians 13) I am nothing, if I give all that I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

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I Don't Trust Other Men Around My Wife

Marriage Question: I know very well that my spouse will not willingly cheat on me. But I get so jealous when she is in the company of other men. I do trust her; but from the experiences of others, I don't trust most of the men she interacts with. Please what should I do?

Marriage Guidance: Well let's start at the beginning. You are admitting jealousy. That's a good place to start. Let's analyze what jealousy is and then we'll see what the scriptures say about it. You might be thinking, "Hey I know what jealousy is, I want to know what to do about it". Ok, jealousy is an emotion of discomfort. When we are emotionally uncomfortable it is a signal that the Creator gave us that we have something to learn. So in a way, initially this is a good thing. It's like a warning light, a head's up kind of thing that says hey pay attention.

Typically instead a person submits to their emotion while in a state of discomfort and unfortunately usually it leads to an (irrational) emotional decision which includes inappropriate action. Making decisions or taking action at this time would not be permissible scripturally and we'll see why in a moment.

So I am very glad that you wrote in because it shows that you are thinking rationally and want to learn God's ways. You want to learn something and that is a step in the right direction. Since I don't know you personally we will concentrate on scriptural principle. You may have seen in the scriptures that it says what love is (1 Corinthians Chapter 13), and what it isn't, and one of the things that it isn't is ...you guessed it...jealousy. 

Now why do we need to understand this? Because when we accept that principle, then we can start to really understand that giving in to jealousy is not the proper answer to the issue at hand, because we are likely to overreact out of emotion in a not so loving way. This does not mean we should do nothing at all, because as we've seen it's giving us a head's up. 

So what is the proper answer to the issue at hand? Well, you will have to analyze the situation and see it for what it is after you have come to your thinking (rational) self and then come up with several different scenarios that would not be contrary to the law of love. So that means that if you're patient, kind, longsuffering, forgiving, etc. wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove you're on the right track.

I have to ask you though, if you know these men are not trustworthy then what are you doing in their company? Did you not read where it says, do not sit down to eat with fornicators etc. etc. We are not to keep company with non-believers. Whoa, wait a minute is this for real? Well that' s what it says my friend. That doesn't mean you can't interact in some way out of need, such as in a commercial setting, or short non committed visits. In other words, we shouldn't buddy up with unbelievers according to scripture. 

I think our God is a loving God and he's looking out for us. So let's thank Him for giving us an idiot light and righteous discernment about the situation, then sit down and read the scriptures tonight and find a way to love your wife even more. You need to figure out how to apply this to your situation in a loving way. Always patient, always kind. Christ's peace to you. Write again if you need more help. 

Frank Lewis
The Minister

 

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Why Am I Obligated To Stay Married To An Adulterer?

Why is a spouse obligated to stay married to an unforgiving person? Why is a spouse obligated to stay married to someone who flirts? Why is a spouse obligated to stay married to someone who gambles, does, drugs, or looks at porn? Why is a spouse obligated to stay married to someone who says they don’t love them anymore?

Why are you obligated to stay married to an adulterer? If we answer this question out of “love feelings” then it would seem ridiculous to be obligated to stay married under these circumstances. But when you answer this question under the principle of the “commitment to love” it changes the equation drastically, doesn’t it. God did not design marriage for you to base your actions on feelings. God designed marriage for you “to love” even when you don’t “feel” like it.

You are obligated to stay married to an adulterer because marriage is for better or worse. Maybe the "worse" part is when your spouse falls away from God and commits adultery, but you are still married. Marriage does not end because times are rough and your spouse is enslaved within sinful lust. Marriage does not end just because you don’t think you are in love anymore. Marriage does not end just because you say so.

God instituted marriage as a lifetime commitment. And it has been that way from the beginning. We become one flesh when we enter into the sacred institution of marriage. We are joined into wedlock until one spouse dies. Only God can end marriages through death.

For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. (Romans 7:2)

Man cannot separate what God has joined. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6).

Man cannot separate what God has joined? This is difficult to believe!

When the apostles heard Christ's word on marriage, they said, "then it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10). I don't think the apostles would have said that, if Jesus' teaching had all the modern-day escape clauses. In reality, there is no escape from marriage, just as there is no escape from Christ.

The only way someone would not understand “why” they are obligated to stay married to an adulterer is if they think they don’t sin, and therefore do not need forgiveness. This is why Christ said, “if any of you is without sin, let him be first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7) Everyone dropped their stones and went home.

Did you know that if you do not forgive the adulterer, Christ will not forgive you your sins? Does this mean unforgivness is a sin? I think it does. It means that having an unforgiving heart is a “hardened heart.”  If the adulterer has stopped in their sin and is willing to work on the marriage, then it is your duty to allow that to happen through forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of love and self-sacrifice – it is the commitment to love.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. (Matthew 6:14)

But what should a married person do when the adulterer continues in the affair or keeps cheating over and over again?

The spouse of an adulterer is obligated to stay married to an adulterer. But if the unbeliever continues in their sinful ways, what can you do but let them go.  The only alternative would be for the believer to deny their own faith to preserve the marriage, which in many instances would be worse than letting the unbeliever go.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

The above verse is not a loophole for divorce. In fact, it says nothing about divorce. It states, “If the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.” It does not say, “If the unbeliever wants a divorce, give it to him.” No, it does not say that. Divorce may be legal with the state, but in God’s eyes, even if you divorce, you are still married, unless husband or wife dies.