Volume 3 Issue 26
My
Wife Won’t Forgive Me! (Part 2 of 2)
Articles
My Wife Won't Forgive Me! (Part 2 of 2)
Keep
Your Sense of Judgment on God
A Good Book Resource is LOVE
THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED~~
My
Wife Won’t Forgive Me! (Part 2 of 2)
My wife torments me everyday
because I had an affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was
wrong and I feel so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would
quit rubbing my nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else
would she continue to torment me with my past? What can I do?
It
is quite normal for a wife to be angry, bitter, and resentful towards her
husband after he had an affair, and it’s perfectly okay for her to get
those feelings out of her system. Even if that means to scream, shout, and
name call. All of these feelings and actions are all very normal—for a
time.
But
there comes a time when a repentant husband shouldn’t have to take the
abuse anymore, and this is when he needs to detach! Detaching with love is
a necessity to keep his psyche well balanced and healthy.
Even
though a wife is unable to forgive today or tomorrow doesn’t mean that
she will not eventually come around and decide that her behavior isn’t
getting her anywhere with her husband, especially when she sees that he is
not letting her moments of unkindness and cruelty get to him.
As
hard as it may seem to do, a husband ought to try and forgive his wife for
her inability to forgive him. The reason for this is so he can detach from
her emotional outbursts properly. If a husband is holding in negative
feelings towards his wife, detaching will be difficult to do. He will feel
antagonism in his heart, which is not detaching but hanging on to her
abusive words.
I
am a faithful advocate on the necessity of detachment. But knowing
“how” and “when” to detach takes discernment. Always
detach with love. You do this by telling your wife that you love her but
for your own spiritual well-being, you will not take the emotional abuse
any longer. It is now time for you to get out of the house and go get a
cup of coffee somewhere, go for a drive, take a walk, go see a friend, go
to a movie, etc. If for some reason you can’t get out of the house, get
some earplugs.
Be
consistent in your efforts even if she starts in on you in the middle of
the night. Your wife needs to see that YOU are not
going to be bullied around any longer. Don’t scream or name call back at
her but always remain calm with her. Tell her again that you are sorry
that you had an affair and that you love her. Tell her when she is ready
to TALK, not abuse, you will be there for her. Walk away and leave! Come
back in an hour or two, and if she starts in on you again, leave again.
When
detaching with love there are 5 things to remember:
1.
Be consistent
2.
Remain Calm (don’t fight back)
3.
Tell her you are sorry again
4.
Tell her you love her
5.
Let her know you are ready to talk when she is ready
By doing these things 5 things you will be detaching properly.
I
know it is difficult to be kind while she is ranting and raving and
calling you all kinds of names but this IS what will finally get her to
express herself properly. She NEEDS to see that her emotional outbursts
against you do not intimidate you, and the name calling does not disturb
you.
You
aren’t going to take it. Your spirit is tired of the trespassing and
can’t take the emotional and mental abuse anymore! Remember, you love
her, you’re sorry as heck, and you have remained calm, and you are ready
to talk when she is ready to talk?
Let
your wife
know that you have prayed for her to forgive you and to stop disrespecting
you. Stay faithful through your actions. Tell you wife every night before
falling asleep that you were faithful to her. Let her hear these words
from you consistently for a month, Just say, “I love you, today I was
faithful.”
“And
when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him,
so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” Mark 11:25
4.
Keep your sense of judgment always on God
Having
someone continually harass you, telling you what a lousy husband you are
can wear down a guys self worth and make him feel miserable about himself.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. By learning to detach with love and
keeping yourself spiritually fit you can have complete clarity of mind to
continue on with respect towards self and love towards those who are not
so loving.
It
is paramount that you continue in prayer by seeking God’s wisdom for
your marriage,
otherwise, you may become weak again and backslide, and I know that you
don’t want that for your self.
“Blessed
is the man who preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test,
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love
him,” James 1:12
If
you are carrying around negative feelings about yourself, remember that
God has forgiven you and that you are a new person in Christ, equipped
with the knowledge and wisdom to get past the trials and tribulations that
are now embracing your life. Learn form your mistakes (sins) and grow out
from those mistakes knowing that you are a worthy and respectable husband.
Here
is some words of wisdom taken from the AL-ANON book.
Someone said something unkind
about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome
my hurt? By detaching myself. “Turning it off,” until I can figure out
what lies behind it. If it is retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me
correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I
ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go; least said, soonest mended.
Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything
that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but
the way I think and feel about it. (One
Day At A Time In AL-ANON)
Be
patient with your wife for a bit longer. Knowing how to detach is the
first step in taking care of your self. Let your wife see she can trust
the man she married. Your new attitude will reflect on to her and she will
finally come out of her feelings and decide to forgive from the
completeness of her heart.
A patient man has great understanding...Proverbs 14:29 ~~