How to Apply Productive Communication into Your Marriage
by Angie Lewis
Copyright 2008 - Heaven Ministries 

In the past few months I have done some due diligent research into the troubles associated with marriage. Not to my amazement, I have discovered that in eight out of ten marital qualms, negative emotions, feelings and attitude, played a big role in the outcome of a couple’s marriage. Am I surprised? Not really.

I know somewhat about how emotions can wreck havoc in marriage because I have been there and done that already. The good news is that through proper self expression and healing, both husband and wife can learn to not allow their negative emotions to control the outcome of the marriage.

Couples get defensive, emotional, argumentative, and controlling with each other when they aren’t being listened to. How can they listen to each other properly?  Acknowledge and validate each others feelings. Let your spouse know that their feelings are ok to have. Don’t tell them how emotional they are, or don’t tell them they’re feelings are wrong. Instead listen to what they have to say.

Many men feel that women are too emotional, and that may be true, but so what? Work with her feelings by being understanding and tolerant of those feelings. After you have validated her feelings, then if you have a second opinion or something else to add, by all means, do so. But don’t run away from her, or don’t tell her how emotional she is. She doesn’t want to hear that from you.  Be productive in your expression and communication.  

Women feel that men clam up or become distant and negative when they are emotional. How can we help our man? By being our man’s right arm. This is what God intended for the married woman. God gave us women the insight and talents to be our husband’s helpmate. A man’s talent lies elsewhere, like providing for financially and protecting his family from harm.

So how can we not let those pesky emotions control the way we think and feel?  By being positive and productive with how we are feeling.

1. Don’t become chameleons of each other

It is so easy to turn into a couple of chameleons with each other. Your husband comes home in a bad mood, and what do you do? Lash back with the same attitude. Now what do we have?  A pair of bulls with bad attitudes butting heads with each other.  

Next time your spouse decides they are going to have a bad attitude, go ahead and let them have a bad attitude, don’t fight it.  You certainly do not need to have one too. Try instead to be understanding of your spouses negative emotions by applying kind expression. Ask them how you can help? Remember we are not a mirror of the person we married. We can allow negative attitudes to bounce right off of us and turn it into something productive. Try it! You’ll see that it works.

We women are the right arms to our husband’s. That’s what we were created for.  That means we’re to help our grouchy husband’s to see that they really did marry a kind-hearted woman who cares. So, how do we show him what he can do to improve the marriage on his end? That’s easy, through our own nice attitude and not by trying to change his.  How productive is that? Very!

2. Communicate feelings properly

Ironically, we communicate feelings improperly when we have a bad attitude.  With the bad attitude comes improper emotions’ controlling the outcome of our communication. Now we have a communication breakdown taking hold of the marriage, and this is when marriage gets derailed from the positive outlook it needs for proper nurturing and care.

A good marriage needs understanding, acceptance, trust, and giving.  But improper communication mixed with bad attitude and emotions halt these productive actions from happening.

I highly encourage couples to take hold of their marriage by learning proper techniques to control their emotions and express themselves productively for improving the marriage.

Healthy communication during an argument should always be directed towards self and not directed toward your spouse. Give each other time to express what they have to say without interrupting. Do not finger point and blame. Don’t run away or act like the victim. Be thoughtful and accepting of your spouse’s faults. Stop trying to control the person you married. Learn to be productive with your feelings, using them in positive ways rather than negative.

We all have the capabilities of being productive and fruitful in our marriage; it just takes a little bit of effort on our part to work at those areas that need a little extra TLC. Try to not base the marriage upon the negative of what you see in the world but on the positive and beautiful of what God created for us.

Feed your marriage with godly wisdom and it will grow and blossom into what God meant for marriage to be. You and your spouse are the two legs holding up the marriage, when one leg falls, work on what you can do to repair the broken leg and support the marriage upon the design of the Master.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20