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Have
You Really Fallen Out of Love Why do we use the words, “fall in love” or
“fall out of love”? What does it really mean to be “in love”
with someone? First of all, understand that you cannot fall “in
love” or fall “out of love”. Love just becomes what it is when two
people spend a lot of time together and get to know each other. Marriage thrives on intimacy and closeness with one
another and when that declines or discontinues couples feel they are no
longer “in love” with their spouse, even though they still care for
and love their spouse. So
what does that mean? It means they are confused about what love really
is. Loving the person we married will not always make
us feel good inside, no matter how good the marriage is or how close we
are in the intimacy department. But if we want the feelings of being
“in love” brought back in our marriage then we can re-ignite the
passion of intimacy by doing something about the attitude we have of not
being “in love” anymore. You didn’t “fall out of love” with your
spouse, it’s just that those feelings of excitement are gone and it is
up to you to do something about it. What I am saying here is stop basing your marriage
on feelings but on principled acts of love instead. If you are looking for a feeling to keep your marriage alive
then make that feeling happen! But don’t sit around brooding over how
you are not “in love” with your spouse anymore and want out of the
marriage. Take responsibility for your marriage and do something about
it. We have to bring passion and excitement back into
our marriage – it is not going to happen without our efforts! We only
need to shift our attitude from needing to feel excitement for our
personal happiness to creating excitement in our marriage for both of
our happiness. The more we keep looking outside the bounds of
marriage for the feelings we are looking for the more tempting outside
boundaries will become to us. The reason is simple, what we perceive in
our mind eventually becomes a reality. If we dwell on how boring or bad
our marriage is, we will create temptation in our mind and act on it. Is
that what we really want? What couples do not understand is they made their
marriage to be what it is today. If their feelings are telling them that
happiness is being with someone else then they are confused about what
love in marriage is. It is not the feeling of dating or the feeling of
being with someone else, it is the principled acts of loving and caring
for someone until death do you part. It is not a feeling at all but
actions. The most important thing to keep in mind, if and when you do get tempted, is feelings don’t last – they are temporary. But love is for a lifetime – it is real and can be made more complete by your principled actions of love. Remember, you’re not dating anymore, you’re married, and that means you have a duty and responsibility to your marriage. |
Angie’s Marriage Column ~ August 18, 2010 Husband
Wants a Divorce and Says he Does Not Love Wife Ask Angie: "Hi I read your article “Marital Duties of the Christian Husband and Wife” with sadness and agreement. My husband left 6 days ago after a wonderful vacation. It is not the first time. He screamed at me and told me he wanted a divorce. The next day he came to get more clothes and although he would barely stop to listen I did talk and asked him to love me as God lays out what a husband should do. He loves the Lord. we are both Christians. Been married 28 years in a few weeks; have two great kids; one just got married. My husband said he could not love me like God tells him to because he does not love me.
I
was shattered. Haven't been able to eat, or move much out of the
house. He took our camper and is living in it at his work (he owns
a repair business.) My husband has left before. He has told
people he does not love me. *** As
many of you have noticed we
are now creating videos on some of the marriage questions sent into
the ministry. The videos will not replace the marriage columns but if we
have a video available it will be included in the marriage columns. We
feel that people may want to see who is offering encouragement because
it makes it more personal for them. I
also like making the videos because it includes both Frank and I. Frank
does not like to write too much, but he is a good talker and speaker. I
love to write and am willing to leave most of the speaking up to him.
This is just one way in which we compliment each other. Most couples can
use this as an example in their own marriage. Where one is not as strong
the other can lift him or her up—marriage
is a team effort. Please
email this marriage column to your husband—it takes two to create
marriage problems and it takes two to end marriage problems. We cannot
help your marriage unless you are both willing to work at healing
yourselves. Click on the links to the appropriate articles for
additional encouragement and to give you a better understanding of this
issue. Marriage
Guidance: Besides encouragement from this marriage
column we have written numerous articles on this subject. You can find
many of our articles on our website in the Marriage
Healing A to Z area and also on the homepage
and in the “loving
your husband” area of the website. Frank
and I briefly touch down on this issue as well in this
video. We also offer marriage counseling when both spouses are
willing to work on the marriage. But of course anyone who knows us will
know that our marriage advice will not be to leave the marriage or
divorce your husband and there are several good reasons for this. The
problem we see in this marriage is not that your husband does not love
you but that he
doesn’t know how to love you. Unbeknownst to him, he is rebelling
against his purpose as a man and husband! The way society does things
and getting wrong information in the churches has a way of conditioning
us into believing we are not in love with our spouse anymore because of
the way “real
love” has become twisted and perverted. You
say that your husband is a Christian but a man of God will understand
“how to love his wife” properly. He
will also understand that love and being loving is not based on how he
is feeling but on what he does! Many
couples have not yet understood the concept of sacrifice for one another
because they have not truly accepted Christ’s sacrifice for
themselves. We have to have a right
relationship with Christ FIRST before we can even begin to love our
spouse in the right ways. This is why our materials talk so
much about duties,
roles and positions of husband and wife in marriage—not working
the marriage program according to its Creator is the root
cause of failed marriages. Love
Comes From God – God is Love! When a man or woman says they cannot love their spouse in the ways of God because they don’t “feel” love for them, what they mean is “I don’t want to love you in the ways of the Lord because I want to feel good and please myself.” This is rebelliousness to God and His God-given role for husbands and wives in marriage. If we don’t love others now, it is because we need inner healing that only God can fix and through that healing God will show us how to love our spouse through His knowledge and wisdom. What do you think is the major reason why Christian marriages fail? Only when we deny our wretched lives and give up control of managing life under our own wisdom and understanding will we truly “know” what it means to be a whole person, healed from the inside out. Healing can only take place when we humble our lives to the living God and stop trying to be God in our marriage. Marriage is first a lifetime commitment to the one-flesh of marriage and secondly a service towards one another, which is God’s purpose for married couples. It seems that your husband is angry about something and under a lot of pressure and He needs to go to God with these negative emotions. Anger and other negative emotions are not going to get fixed by walking out, although it is ok to have some alone time, but husbands and wives should come together in the Lord and communicate and express themselves in assertive but kind ways. Married Christian couples who feel they are not getting their needs met, need to express these issues with each other and then resolve them according to God’s principles. Couples absolutely need to communicate more and put aside one hour each day just talking with each other about their feelings and express themselves. Couples should never let the sun go down when issues need resolved, don’t put problems on the back burner because over time they will only mount up and become mountains instead of molehills. God teaches us how to love one another, now all we need to do it do it! Don’t
just read the word do what it says! “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightaway forgotteth what manner of a man he was. But whose looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.” (James 1:22-25) Holding
in anger and resentment keeps us from God. It truly keeps our hearts so
hard that we can’t or don’t want to love our spouse in the ways
outlined by God. God says that any man who loves his wife loves himself.
What does that mean? It means just what we have been saying so
far…love comes from God! We must accept God’s love for ourselves
FIRST to love others…inner healing…inner healing…. If we do not
love ourselves how can we love others? “Husbands
love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her.”. Do you think that Jesus Christ had to feel good about
loving His church FIRST before He could love her? Did Christ say to God,
“Father I can’t love these people, they are treating me bad and they
are sinful, I don’t want to suffer and die for them? Did Christ say,
“I don’t feel very loving today, lets do this sacrifice thing on
another day, I’m leaving this city for awhile?” NO!
Jesus did not say any of those things, he loves us no matter what we
have done or what we have said or how he feels. This
is the way a husband is to love his wife. Walking around saying,
“I can’t love my wife because I don’t feel
love for her” tells us that this man has some inner healing
and faith issues to still deal with. God wants us to go to Him and He
will empower us with the Holy Spirit to love others, even when and if we
do not feel like it. But
that’s just it, once we become empowered with the Holy Spirit we want
to love our spouses!! We’re
not perfect; no marriage will ever be perfect; it sometimes still takes
effort on our part, but the Spirit gives us the ability to resolve our
marital issues in the right ways! It teaches us to pray about our
problems and wait on God for the answers and guidance we need. The
Spirit of Christ gives us the peace to be content in any situation. “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: Everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:11) Marriage
is the one relationship that craves forgiveness almost daily. If Jesus
Christ has forgiven us with all of our
imperfections and sinful habits, how much more should we forgive the
person we married? Did you know that when couples learn to humble
themselves to God that
is when they learn to humble themselves to the person they married? This
is love from God I’m talking about. Bear
with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one
another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13) If
we are married then we need
to be accountable to God and our spouse in the marriage and start taking
responsibility for our part in marriage! And then…we need to
restore our marriage (back) to God where it belongs no matter what
amount of effort it takes from us. After all, we are God’s children
and God’s children do not run away from their problems because they
don’t have to! God’s children seek Him for advice and solace and
then apply that advice into their personal lives and marriage!
Unbelievers throw up their arms and give their marriage to the state
because they don’t know any other recourse to take. “For
ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as
children of light. (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and
righteousness and truth.).” Ephesians
5:8 Loving
our spouse is all about forgiveness, compassion, sacrifice, commitment,
respect, encouragement, submission, etc. When we act on these things
called love in our marriage, through our behaviors, this is how
a husband loves his wife and a wife her husband; it is the fruit of
the Spirit of Christ. What an awesome gift we have been blessed with! When
we forgive each other we are loving “Grace
be with all them that love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen” In
Christ, |