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If you are unsure of what it is you want for your marriage or if you do not have any definite values and principles that you believe in for your marriage it will be difficult to stay firm upon any belief that would take you away from trusting in "self." 

Marriages fall apart or are unhappy because they are wishy-washy; full of excuses and unmet emotional needs that aren't and can't be met because the marriage is based upon the foundation of "self".  Therefore couples without ever realizing it, stumble into marriage not really knowing what their responsibilities, duties, and purpose are for the marriage. These couples try to get by relying on what they know and have been taught, but it is not enough to sustain the marriage with.
     

The foundation of "self" trusts in the feelings generated through the self, and absorbs the marriage commitment through self-made ideas and beliefs that do not have any godly values and principles attached to it.  Issues within the marriage do not get the attention they deserve when the "self cannot apply the proper foundation and get the matter resolved appropriately. Therefore, more problems arise, resentment fills the marriage, hearts become hardened and bitter, and divorce settles in. At this point, the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence. But is it?

A typical scenario goes something like this. Couples wonder around aimlessly to find contentment, and some sort of direction to stabilize their chaotic lifestyle. Something is missing from their life and the more they try and sponge the missing pieces off their spouse, the more that spouse feels confined, confused and empty. Neither is getting the love they need from each other and the "self" doesn't particularly like who they are either, and so not knowing what direction to go, they seek outside influences to fill their emptiness. Because couples like this are so unsure of who they are or what their purpose in life is, one leg hangs over the fence to try and follow Jesus while the other leg seeks the so-called fulfillment from the world. The latter is only temporary and leads couples further into sin and away from the Truth.

On the wrong side of the fence, couples base marriage upon what is seen rather then what is not. What they see confirms their beliefs that what they are doing for their marriage is good and right. This is how many couples justify their behavior in the marriage. There are many. many things that seem good and right in the world that have been created by man for man. Yet none of these things are found in the word of God or established by God. 

Ask yourself, "what do I value about myself?"  Is it my job?  My career? My looks? My house? Ask yourself, "what do I value for my marriage?"  More money? Status? A bigger house? These are some of the things that control and overpower the "self".  We put so much trust in these material possessions and use them for anchors when times are tough in our marriage. The foundation of "self" has ruled the heart in so many marriages of today and to such a degree that many couples feel there is no other way to cope with their problems. Many things we see in the world seem to be important and very real to us, and we use these things to fall back on when our marriage starts to shatter. But these things are the precursor to temptation and aren't really important at all and do not mean anything for you in your marriage unless you base them on your marriage and who you are in the marriage.

Ask yourself. What do I believe in for my marriage? Divorce? Infidelity? Trust? Honor? commitment? Do I believe in what I see in the world to be righteous and Holy? What is my REAL purpose for my marriage? What responsibilities and duties does Christ want me to fulfill for my marriage? 

Some of you might have a lot of soul searching to do. Find out what it is that you really want for your marriage. Relationship books can't help your marriage or fill your emptiness. They are only temporary solutions. It is a little bit deeper then trying to figure out how to communicate or forgive or let go of resentment. None of these things would be a problem in a Christ based marriage! You have a choice. Make the right one.

• What am I doing in (for) my marriage?
• Who am I in my marriage?
• What is my purpose for my marriage?

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by Angie Lewis Copyright©2002