4 Ways Couples Verbally Abuse Each Other by Angie Lewis Some of us will never learn how to communicate our
thoughts and feelings properly. Instead we go on a rampage and say
things we mostly don’t mean to say, but say them anyway because
we’re angry, tired, confused, frightened, stressed, resentful, or? We
are literally allowing our feelings tell us what to say. 1. Lack of Proper Communication
The power of our words can make or break a
marriage. The way we treat our spouse because of our own inability to
communicate properly can literally build up barriers between couples.
Words hurt, even though as children we learned to say, “words may
never hurt us” the simple fact is, words can be darn right abusive.
Most of us when abused with words, abuse back, because we don’t know
how to fight back properly. Ethel calls Tom a lazy sex addict because he
won’t help around the house, and when he is not working he watches TV
or looks at porn. Tom calls Ethel a floozy because she dresses
provocatively to work and has been known to flirt with Tom’s friends. What is the problem here? Lack of proper
communication is the biggest problem I see. Instead of Ethel calling Tom
a lazy sex addict she should do something about it. Probably if she
stops dressing like a floozy to work, and starts appreciating her
husband more, he will stop devaluing women and start valuing his wife
for a change. Tom has been taught since he was little that women are
sexual objects to exploit to his advantage, and Ethel reinforces that
for Tom by the way she dresses and by the way she treats him. Instead of Tom calling Ethel a floozy, he should
start appreciating her more for being the “person she is” rather
than what he imagines her to be. You see, both Tom and Ethel need inner
healing and guidance that the world is not going to give them. Heck,
neither Tom nor Ethel thinks they have a problem! The world thrives on
immorality and lust in marriage. As long as Ethel has a low self-esteem
she will dress like a floozy, she knows no other way to be. And as long
as Tom thinks women are nothing but a sex object, he will continue
devaluing his wife and other women. 2. Disrespect Verbal abuse of any kind is disrespectful. It hurts
a person emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Many couples disrespect
each other and they don’t even know it. The pattern of disrespect is
in unproductive communication. It
is not that you cannot tell your spouse your feelings, but it is in how
you tell them! If it is destructive or negative towards your spouse then
it is unproductive, and disrespectful. Why do we disrespect the person we are supposed to
be loving? One reason is because we don’t know how to be loving
people. Superficial love is what most couples live off of. Is there any
wonder marriage cannot survive on superficialities. Another reason is
because when one spouse verbally abuses the other it causes a chain
reaction. 3. Negative Feelings How we communicate our feelings to others shows in
how well we are doing as a person. I have learned that we do not have to
be aggressive with our feelings to get our point across, we can be
assertive instead. In this way we do not hurt others with our awful
words. Don’t say: “You can’t do anything right,
I’ll just do it myself?” (This
is invalidating and rejecting) Do say: “Yes, that is one way of doing it, but I like doing it this way because…” (This is not invalidating or rejecting) Don’t say: “You make me so angry” (This is
blaming and accusing – no one can make you angry, but yourself) Do say: I feel angry when…” (This is directing your anger toward yourself instead of on your spouse) Don’t say: “You made me commit adultery
because…” (This is making your spouse feel responsible for your
weakness) Do say: I made a mistake, I’m sorry for being unfaithful in our marriage. (This is taking responsibility) Don’t say: “All you care about is what you
want, what about me?” (This is selfish) Do say: “I feel that we do a lot of things that
you want, and I would like to do something that we both like.” (This
is compromise) Do you see where I am going with this? You would
not believe how many times a day that we direct our negative and
destructive feelings at our spouse, and accuse each other for stuff that
has nothing to do with them. We have control over our feelings and how
we use those feelings in interaction with those we love. Think before
you speak. 4. Lack of Faith A Good relationship with Christ means a good
relationship with our spouse. I encourage couples to start applying
God’s wisdom filled ways into their marriage and using that as a guide
toward inner healing and restoration of marriage. As long as we are
devoid of the Holy Spirit within us, we will direct our emotions and
feelings in negative and destructive ways towards one another. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. (Philippians 4:6-8) |