Teenage Dating vs. Courtship Part 1 of 2

Do not let the culture hoodwink you into believing that you should participate in sexual relations before marriage. The whole idea of dating and everything that goes with it is so much of a heavy-laden burden, and as a young girl, you should not have to endure this crazy emotional roller coaster ride.

Do not let your social group fool you into believing the only way to be popular in school is to have sex with the boys. What a tale of deceit we web.

FACT:

Dating will NOT prepare you for marriage. In fact, it will damage your heart, mind and soul, and you will treat your husband according to how you were treated from boys in school. 

If you have had several sexual relationships that ended in heartbreak as a teenager, when you get married you will be on guard with your husband. You will not be able to share with him all of your self, afraid that he, too, might hurt you.  

You will not understand the beauty and enjoyment of the sexual union that a husband and wife share together because of what you experienced with some strange boy in school. Unpleasant dating games lead to negative feelings about sex later on down the road.

FACT:
The best thing you can do to avoid all this turmoil later in life is to remain sexually abstinent until you are married. Sound difficult? Well it’s not! Read on.

As a young girl or woman, you have choices. You only have to experience the pressures of dating and the rituals that go along with it, if you allow your self to fall into its trap. If you do fall into the teenage dating traps it will most likely obscure your whole way of thinking.

This certainly will NOT prepare you for marriage but will take away from the honor and commitment that is so vital for marriage.

FACT:

If a young girl has only one breakup in school from participating in the new cultural rituals of dating and having sex, she is more likely to get a divorce later on in her marriage.  Most young girls have three or more heartaches during their teenage years. This is totally unnecessary.

Going through a breakup and then finding a new boy to have a relationship with will prepare a woman to do the same for her marriage.  For instance, now that she is married, she begins having marital troubles and in her mind she remembers what happened in school, and she knows that she can just dump her husband, and remarry, right?

Wrong!  Where is the commitment?

Unfortunately for many, the “dating and dump” them syndrome is carried forward into marriage.  Another reason there is so much divorce today.  Couples are now using the same culturally immoral foundations they grew up with in school for their marriage later in life.   

FACT:
God wants all young women to stay pure before marriage. Trust me on this one. Let’s be all that we can be as young ladies. Nothing is more important to God than your happiness. God wants you to someday find love, get married and be all that you can be. Why rush into all this dating stuff, especially when you are not ready for it?  

 “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is honorable and holy, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God, and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. …For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man, but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

Now lets take a look at some of the myths.

MYTH:
If I don’t have sex, the boys will not like me

Bonk! This is so untrue! He might act like he doesn’t like you but in his heart he will RESPECT you for loving your self. The truth is, you can be best friends with this boy and not have sex with him and your relationship will be even better. He will treat you better and tell you things he normally wouldn’t if you were having sex with him.  If he is a big jerk and does treat you bad, so what, let him be. It is more “spiritual power” to you for detaching from his immature antics.  

MYTH:

If I don’t have sex, I won’t be popular or liked by my friends. 

If your friends are having sex with boys, then I don’t think you want to be hanging out with that crowd in the first place. The boys that your friends are having sex with are talking about your friends behind their back. Their good reputation has been busted! You do not want to be associated with that kind of behavior, do you?

Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right. Proverbs 20:11

Find some new friends that know and love God and who like them selves. Friends who wouldn’t like you because you won’t have sex are only jealous because you are in control of your body. Do not let those girls who do not know God and who are not in control of their bodies trespass against your beautiful spiritual self and tell you things that will lead you into sin.

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This is part 1 of 2 on Teenage Dating vs. Courtship 

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Teenage Dating vs. Courtship  
(part 2 of 2)

What exactly is courtship? Courtship is young men and women seeking each other out for the purpose of finding a spouse. It is a sexually abstinent friendship that through the courting process bonds two people together while they both grow and learn to honor, respect, and love each other.

The courting process involves the parents on both sides and the parents must approve and bless the courtship.

In essence, courtship is a word that has been applied to describe the biblical basis for the relationship leading up to marriage. In the Bible, the parents were always involved in the marriage process.

It is a “MAN” who leaves his father and mother to cleave to a wife, not a “BOY” dating a young girl!  Dating is not sound biblical doctrine.

The biblical basis for courting is found in the bible through Mary and Joseph. Not only did Mary and Joseph court one another they were betrothed!   

Betrothal is almost like being married; both partners KNOW they will get married, but for sound reasons, maybe financial, or being too young, they are betrothed (engaged) until they finally get married.

Betrothal is different than worldly engagement though; there is still NO SEX during the betrothal period, and the betrothal cannot be broken off like an engagement. Betrothal is a promise between God and the couples just like marriage is.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord Proverbs 18:22

"For this cause shall a man leave Father and mother, and shall cleave to a wife..." Matt. 19:5

The most wonderful thing about courtship is there isn’t any of the pressure associated with having to have sex! Neither expects sex from the other because they knew going into the courtship relationship that sex would be taboo, and so they are FREE to enjoy each other without the sexual conditions and hang-ups to be met. Do you know what a BIG load that is off the young girl’s emotions?  Big! Big! Big!

Dating on the other hand is a sexual worldly ritual that usually involves flirting, lustfulness, and sex.  Dating is SEX!

For several generations young girls have been encouraged by society, peers, and culture to experiment with a variety of romantic partners before marriage. What an emotional roller coaster ride for these young girls!

These dating relationships start the process of recreational bonding that when ripped apart cause broken hearts and heavy-laden emotions that impact the mental stability of the young girl. These romantic-lust involvements tend to end with a wounded heart, and whacked out emotions, and with each subsequent broken relationship, the wound gets bigger and bigger.

These wounds are the baggage that many young women bring into their marriage, causing numerous problems that could have been prevented.

The dating process taught them to base relationships on the “date them, dump them syndrome”.  It taught them that they aren’t good enough, and it taught them to be on the defensive at all times with men, and to basically not trust them even into marriage. 

These young women are unable to cope with the pressures of sexual relationships because they don’t really know what the godly basis for marriage is, such as honor and commitment that is learned through the courting process.

The courting process unlike the dating process is a sound biblically based relationship without the trappings of sex. There is a purpose for courting and that purpose leads to a healthy marriage.

Of course not every marriage will end in divorce because a young girl had sexual relations before marriage, but it doesn’t help either. Some of these women are more resilient and can snap back, others have discovered the Spiritual Christ in their lives and can maintain a happy marriage and family life.

But for most of these young girls, the damage wrecks havoc with their emotions and the past will continue to haunt them in their marriage. For instance, she may have negative feelings about sex. She may use sex has a way to get what she wants, or worse yet, she may reject her husband because of her emotions telling her how to behave in the marriage. And, still, worse yet, she may commit adultery, not really seeing anything wrong with it, since she had so many relations in the past.

As you can see, there will be consequences of these young girls actions later in their life, and these consequences will and DO affect the quality of the marriage!

We parents can be in control of our children’s lives, and help them to do what is right for them selves and others. We can actually love our children by telling them no, while steering them towards the path that will ultimately lead them to where true happiness lies. They will thank you for it later when they have finally matured into respectable and loving adults.

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Will The Glass Slipper Ever Fit?

Do opposites really attract? I believe there is some truth to this. At first the euphoria of a new relationship brings much elation and happiness, even in a relationship that is unpredictable as is with opposites. But after five years into the marriage will this now “old found love” still be alive and strong, and will these opposites still attract each other?

The first thing young people should know before getting married is that there is no such thing as Cinderella and Prince charming marriages. It just doesn’t work like that. At first the slipper fits, but later, after trials and tribulations, the slipper becomes too small.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

It is very crucial that couples develop and grow together through the daily grind of work, career, children, circumstances, and marital issues that can and will affect marriage tremendously.

Couples should believe in the same issues and concerns that become readily apparent in marriage. They need to deeply and thoroughly discuss the subjects of career, family, religion, etc, before saying those “I do’s”.

For younger couples who have never been married before, I really want to stress how important it is to communicate how you both feel about certain topics of importance and the roles each of you will assume in the marriage.

Lets take a look at just a few compatibility issues that might affect couples during marriage.

1) Your future husband thinks he would like to hunt for the sport of it, and is now an avid hunter and happy camper in the woods, but you have become involved in the conservation of animals. Will you know how to handle this incompatibility issue every time it comes up in your marriage? Or would you want to?

Unless you can come to an agreement of some sort about this major difference in character, then I don’t think you should get married.

2) Your future husband wants three or four children, but you’re not sure about even having one child! Are you willing to compromise your own wants and needs and give in to your husband’s desires? If not, I would advise you to hold off on getting married.

3) Your future wife has taken the position that she wants to have a career and maybe adopt a child later. You want her to stay home with your children. Is this going to work? No, it is not, and again, this can become a major problem in the home if it isn't cleared up before marriage. If the issue cannot get resolved, I don’t think you should get married.

4) Your future wife is a Catholic and you are a Mormon? Are you prepared to deal with the stresses involved in such religious variation? Or maybe you will marry anyway and think you can change their beliefs after you’re married? Think again.

With these few compatibility issues all said and done, I still believe that two people can be opposites, and the marriage still be spiritually and mentally healthy.

It all boils down to the people in the marriage. Couples who are mentally and spiritually healthy are better equipped to deal with major issues that will involve them throughout the marriage.

Meaning, the marriage is based upon the foundation of love, commitment, honor, trust, and acceptance. These aspects for a sound and healthy marriage are what God designed marriage to be based upon!

On the flip side, if couples are going through problems of incompatibility there is no room for self-righteous behavior or control issues. This kind of behavior will wreck havoc during matters of difference. If a spouse becomes too intolerant and self-righteous the couples in the marriage cease to grow together and differences NEVER get resolved.

So what can we do BEFORE getting married that will help the marriage to be healthy and strong?

Lets ponder some pre-marital questions.

1) What will your responsibilities be in the marriage? Discuss together and share your thoughts with your future husband/wife. Agreement on these issues is very important. Know before hand what you’re getting into.

2) Express issues of importance with each other through proper communication. No marriage can withstand the perils of miscommunication or no communication at all.

3) Know what your spouse expects from you. What will your role be? What will your responsibilities be? What do you want for your marriage?

4) Know that you will be committed to you spouse through think and thin. If you go into marriage thinking that you can always get a quickie divorce, you have already gotten a divorce before you even said your “I do’s”!

5) Faults come out after marriage. Be prepared. Accept your new spouse for who they are.

It all comes down to taking your position in marriage seriously. Today many couples walk halfheartedly into marriage thinking they can get out of their responsibilities whenever they want. But this is wrong thinking and should not even be an option. 

Will the glass slipper ever fit?

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