My Wife Won't Forgive Me

My Wife Won’t Forgive Me!

My wife torments me everyday because I had an affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was wrong and I feel so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would quit rubbing my nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else would she continue to torment me with my past? I can’t live like this anymore.

Why do you think this woman is not forgiving her husband? Maybe she feels that she is benefiting somehow by using her negative feelings against her husband. She is allowing the hurt she feels to control her thoughts about her husband so she can feel better. The problem is she may only feel better for a while until her unforgiving heart needs fed again. She will envision her husband in bed with another woman and then abuse her husband with it every chance she gets. This is how she deals with the pain; it is perfectly normal to feel this way, for a time.

Those of us who have dealt with the issue of adultery in our marriage can relate to this woman’s wounded heart but what about her husband? What happens to him? What is he supposed to do for the pain he is feeling? If he is repentant of his sin, don’t you think he is hurting too? Should he continue to suffer everyday?

Not everyone can forgive properly but without true forgiveness, a marriage will be threatened by lack of trust, which only a spiritual perceptiveness can repair. This woman can either continue wallowing in her pain or she can come out from the negative feelings she is now living in and decide to forgive her husband.

What can she do that would help her to forgive her husband of adultery? She can pray about it and then realize that it won’t change anything by not forgiving. The time and energy wasted on an unforgiving heart is utterly useless. She cannot turn back the clocks and pretend it didn’t happen. She needs to let the pain finally go by forgiving. Granted, you can never forget the past, but that doesn’t mean you cannot learn to forgive completely either, which is essentially not abusing your spouse every darn chance you get.

We have to be willing to make amends and to give our spouse the same forgiveness that God has forgiven us with! Jesus said we are to forgive the adulterer “if” they have stopped in their weakness and have repented. We are all sinners! Maybe we don’t cheat on our spouse, maybe we only abuse our spouse with our angry and hateful words. In my book, the woman who constantly abuses and berates her husband over his past sins is sinning! She is hurting the marriage tremendously!

God doesn’t have different penitence levels for different areas of sin. A sin is a sin no matter what that sin is. That is why Jesus said to the crowd, “Those WITHOUT SIN cast the first stone.” No one could cast a stone at the adulterous woman because they have all sinned! Jesus knew the woman was truly remorseful for what she had done, and that is why he said, “Go and sin no more.”

Jesus could have said, “Those who have not committed adultery cast the first stone.” But He didn’t. Instead He was showing us how we’re all sinners in this world and a sin is a sin in the eyes of God.

“Woman where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one sir, “ she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go and leave your life of sin.”

True forgiveness means a change of heart. If we say that we have forgiven but in our heart we are still bitter and angry then we have not “really” forgiven but “really” lied to our self.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45

True forgiveness only comes from having Faith in Jesus Christ. And why is that? Because it is through Christ that we have been forgiven ourselves. Take Jesus Christ out of the equation, God forbid, and forgiveness of our sins would be no more! With God’s help we can accept Christ’s forgiveness and stop in our wrongdoing.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21

The simple exchange works like this, our sins were given over to Jesus Christ at His crucifixion and His righteousness is given to us when we believe. Without belief or acceptance in the source of true forgiveness we will be unable to forgive others when they sin against us. If you need to forgive someone, please do it today.

Book Resource: See Adultery Pandemic - a book to help couples to heal the wounds of adultery and forgive and trust again.

Couples Questions

Do you think I am correct in my assumption that we don't forgive because we love using our feelings to get back at the person who hurt us?

So does that mean when we are ready to give up our negative emotions we'll be able to forgive?

Why do we use our negative feelings to hurt others with? How does that help us?

What must we do to be able to forgive?

Ask God to help you to forgive - be willing in your heart to forgive and you will! The pain will go away eventually.