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My Wife Won’t Forgive Me! (Part 2 of 2) Copyright © 2006 Heaven Ministries My wife torments me everyday because I had an
affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was wrong and I feel
so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would quit rubbing my
nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else would she
continue to torment me with my past? What can I do? It is quite
normal for a wife to be angry, bitter, and resentful towards her husband
after he had an affair, and it’s perfectly okay for her to get those
feelings out of her system. Even if that means to scream, shout, and
name call. All of these feelings and actions are all very normal—for a
time. But there comes
a time when a repentant husband shouldn’t have to take the abuse
anymore, and this is when he needs to detach! Detaching with love is a
necessity to keep his psyche well balanced and healthy. 1. Detach
with love Even though a
wife is unable to forgive today or tomorrow doesn’t mean that she will
not eventually come around and decide that her behavior isn’t getting
her anywhere with her husband, especially when she sees that he is not
letting her moments of unkindness and cruelty get to him. As hard as it
may seem to do, a husband ought to try and forgive his wife for her
inability to forgive him. The reason for this is so he can detach from
her emotional outbursts properly. If a husband is holding in negative
feelings towards his wife, detaching will be difficult to do. He will
feel antagonism in his heart, which is not detaching but hanging on to
her abusive words. I am a faithful
advocate on the necessity of detachment. But knowing “how” and
“when” to detach takes discernment. Always detach
with love. You do this by telling your wife that you love her but for
your own spiritual well-being, you will not take the emotional abuse any
longer. It is now time for you to get out of the house and go get a cup
of coffee somewhere, go for a drive, take a walk, go see a friend, go to
a movie, etc. If for some reason you can’t get out of the house, get
some earplugs. Be consistent
in your efforts even if she starts in on you in the middle of the night.
Your wife needs to see that YOU are not going to be bullied
around any longer. Don’t scream or name call back at her but always
remain calm with her. Tell her again that you are sorry that you had an
affair and that you love her. Tell her when she is ready to TALK, not
abuse, you will be there for her. Walk away and leave! Come back in an
hour or two, and if she starts in on you again, leave again. When detaching
with love there are 5 things to remember: 1.
Be consistent 2.
Remain Calm (don’t fight back) 3.
Tell her you are sorry again 4.
Tell her you love her 5.
Let her know you are ready to talk when she is ready By doing these
things 5 things you will be detaching properly. 2.
Always remain kind and considerate I know it is
difficult to be kind while she is ranting and raving and calling you all
kinds of names but this IS what will finally get her to express herself
properly. She NEEDS to see that her emotional outbursts against you do
not intimidate you, and the name calling does not disturb you. You aren’t
going to take it. Your spirit is tired of the trespassing and can’t
take the emotional and mental abuse anymore! Remember, you love her,
you’re sorry as heck, and you have remained calm, and you are ready to
talk when she is ready to talk? 3.
Pray for her – let her know that you have prayed for her to
forgive you and to stop disrespecting you. Stay faithful through your
actions. Tell you wife every night before falling asleep that you were
faithful to her. Let her hear these words from you consistently for a
month, Just say, “I love you, today I was faithful.” “And when you
stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that
your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” Mark 11:25 4.
Keep your sense of judgment always on God Having someone
continually harass you, telling you what a lousy husband you are can
wear down a guys self worth and make him feel miserable about himself.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. By learning to detach with love
and keeping yourself spiritually fit you can have complete clarity of
mind to continue on with respect towards self and love towards those who
are not so loving. It is paramount
that you continue in prayer by seeking God’s wisdom for your marriage,
otherwise, you may become weak again and backslide, and I know that you
don’t want that for your self. “Blessed is
the man who preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test,
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who
love him,” James 1:12 If you are
carrying around negative feelings about yourself, remember that God has
forgiven you and that you are a new person in Christ, equipped with the
knowledge and wisdom to get past the trials and tribulations that are
now embracing your life. Learn form your mistakes (sins) and grow out
from those mistakes knowing that you are a worthy and respectable
husband. Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching myself. “Turning it off,” until I can figure out what lies behind it. If it is retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it. (One Day At A Time In AL-ANON) Be patient with
your wife for a bit longer. Knowing how to detach is the first step in
taking care of your self. Let your wife see she can trust the man she
married. Your new attitude will reflect on to her and she will finally
come out of her feelings and decide to forgive from the completeness of
her heart. A patient man
has great understanding...Proverbs 14:29
Questions For Couples
1. Why do you think it is so difficult to forgive? How can you change that?
2. What can a husband do to better deal with an unforgiving wife?
3. What can a wife do to better deal with an unforgiving husband?
4. How can trust be brought back into the marriage?
5. Is it the end of the marriage because a spouse had an affair? Why or why not?
You Can Learn To Forgive! Book Resources: Adultery
Pandemic Available as a download and hardcopy |